Saturday, September 30, 2006

1-2-3 Sexercise!

You know when up sign up to work out at a new gym and you get all excited and plan to go several times a week and you envision yourself looking totally sexy in those pre-baby Seven Jeans that you've saved because you know that one day, damnit, you will fit into those jeans again, but then you really don't actually go to the gym even though you think about it all the time, especially on the day that the $39.99 is deducted from your bank account? Anybody feelin' me?

Well, I fear this may be happening to me. Again.

A couple weeks ago, I signed up to go back to the gym. I went in for my introductory "fitness evaluation" and gym orientation wearing the new workout outfit I had bought at Target (because you just have to have a new workout outfit when you start a new gym), and I was generally feeling very good about myself for being there. So good, in fact, that I decided to reward myself by not actually going to the gym for the next several days. I mean, I spent a lot of energy just making the decision to go back to the gym. I deserved a break.

So anyway, the other day, I get this message on my voicemail:
Hi MotR! This is Rick from 1-2-3 Fit! I'm calling because you haven't been to the gym all week. We want to make sure you are on target for all of your fitness goals so please come in soon. It's important to get in at least three times a week. Please let us know if everything's OK.
Uh, talk about a guilt trip. I felt so guilty that I immediately went to the fridge for ice cream. Seriously. But I was also a little peeved. I mean, it's great that they care and all, but since when do gym owners call to check up on you and lay on the guilt? Don't they know that people who sign up for the gym don't usually go? Hellooooo.

But since he is concerned, I feel the need to give him a call back. Here's what I'm planning to say:
Hi, Rick! Thanks so much for calling to check up on me. I know I haven't been to the gym in a while, but with good reason. You see, I've been getting SOOOO much sex lately that I just don't have ANY energy left for a gym workout. But don't worry, I'm taking care to get in at least three 30-minute sessions a week, and I'm doing all the appropriate warm-ups and cool-downs. I don't wanna pull anything - YOU taught me that. Anyhow, it really means a lot to know that you care so much about my fitness health! Thanks so much for your call!
So, that's the best excuse I got. Anyone got anything better?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Design-a-Baby? No, thanks.

My post today is up at the Imperfect Parent. Please comment over there if you'd like!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Announcing The ROFL Awards!

Edited to add: I'm glad so many of you are interested! There were some good questions asked that I wanted to answer here for clarity's sake. For the Sept award, you would nominate a post published in Sept. For the October award, you would nominate a post published in October and so on. The deadline for Sept. nominations is October 9th. We are doing the awards a little later in the month so we don't conflict with the Perfect Post Awards. You can e-mail me your nomination anytime between now and September 9th. A few days before the deadline for nominations, I will e-mail you a reminder and give you the button code to give to your awardee. Anyone can nominate a post and give a ROFL Award.

More questions? Just let me know. I look forward to sharing some laughs with you all each month!


Remember this post? Well, you were all so supportive of the idea that I've decided to do it - I've decided to start a new award! Yay! So here's the scoop...


Have you recently read a blog post that was so funny that you...

a) laughed out loud?
b) spit out your coffee?
c) chocked on your twizzlers?
d) fell off your chair?

Well, if so, then they probably deserve a ROFL Award!

The ROFL Awards are a monthly blogger award presented by bloggers to bloggers for some of the funniest posts on the Internet. Nominations are due by the second Monday of every month and awards will be announced the following day. If you'd like to be on the e-mail distribution list to receive more information and the button code for September, please leave a comment or send me an e-mail.

The ROFL Awards are co-organized by Mommy off the Record and Izzy Mom. Thank you to Kvetch for suggesting the name for this award. And thanks to all of YOU for being so funny. Keep us laughing. We depend on it for our therapy!

Mommy, I love to laugh!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

While Perusing the Internet for Halloween Costumes This Weekend....

I got squeezed through a vajajay last year and all I got was this dumb costume.

Just because it's on clearance, doesn't mean you should buy it, kay?

WTF? Someone found my Cabbage Patch Kid and dressed him up in an Elvis costume.

The "soldier bunting infant costume". Assault rifle sold separately.

I'm so getting you back for this by taking my friends for a joyride in your car when I turn 14.

That's it, someone call CPS.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I Can't Talk Right Now....I'm "Breastfeeding."

Once in a while I get a little heavy on this here blog and I talk about scary things and sad things and more sad things. Well, I think it's time to lighten up again. And what better way to do that than to talk about boobies and their ability to fend off phone solicitors? I mean really, what better way?

Today you can read my post about this very subject here.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Food for Thought

Smithfield gives the piglets seven to ten days before weaning,
compared with the thirteen to seventeen weeks that nature had planned
and the three to four weeks still allowed by some intensive hog farms in Europe. When the barn is full of piglets, like a popper filled with popcorn, somebody will come by to collect them. The mothers will be tethered, as some already are. The rear gates of their stalls will be opened. And the little ones will all be swept away.”

I love to eat meat. It’s one of my favorite foods, especially cured meats. Mmmmm. Give me a prosciutto and melon antipasto or a juicy honey ham on Thanksgiving, and I’m in heaven. And yet despite my love for this food group, I no longer indulge, and here's why.

There is something wrong with the system of farming animals in this country. Really wrong. And I can no longer support it.

Before I go further, let me clarify one point. I don’t have a problem with raising and killing animals for food if it’s done in a humane way. But it isn’t being done in a humane way. Not by a long shot. Because most, if not all, of the animals that we eat are being raised in horrendous conditions on factory farms.

Since we don’t have all day to go over all the specific abuses to all of these animals, let’s just pick one animal. How about the female pig? Why the pig? Well, because the pig is highly intelligent. Just as intelligent as a dog or even more intelligent than a dog according to some. Why the female pig? Well, because I’m a female, and no one messes with my bitches and gets away with it. I don't care if they are pigs. They're still my bitches.

So, how are these intelligent and sensitive creatures treated on factory farms?

Female pigs, or sows, that are kept for breeding are placed in confinement crates that allow very little movement. Often referred to as “rape racks”, these gestation crates, which are still legal in the U.S., are so small that the pigs can barely move. The sow is confined here during artificial insemination with an “AI” rod, which is thrust into her from behind. She may remain in this crate during her entire 4-month pregnancy. After the birth of her litter, her piglets are quickly taken from her, and the process of insemination begins again. This cycle continues for up to four years with the sow in confinement the entire time and very often suffering from sores, tumors, broken bones and illnesses. Each sow births more than 20 piglets a year. This type of cruel, intensive breeding is done for one reason only: to maximize profits.

This is just a small slice of the sad and disgusting conditions that these animals face on a daily basis--to say nothing of the lack of sunlight, proper veterinary care, straw, space, or clean air.

Approximately 84% of the hogs killed in the U.S. each year are factory farmed, which means that there’s a good chance that the pig served up at your local deli was raised this way.

Like I said, I think it's wrong. And I can't support it.

So I don't eat meat. Well, I kinda don't eat meat. I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat fish, but I don't eat chicken or any other meat. I admire vegans because I know that abusive farming practices go on in the dairy industry as well, but I'm just not disciplined enough to give up cheese and milk. I just don't have the willpower.

And although I completely despise the filthy, green-eyed corporate farmers who are so money-hungry that they have have created a system of torture for the animals that are killed for our food (not to mention how they are obliterating the small family farmer in the process), at the same time, I don't judge non-vegetarians.

I do, however, encourage people to read up on this stuff and become educated. And if this is something that also strikes you as wrong, I encourage you to do what you can as a consumer and a voter to reject these types of farming practices. Maybe that means purchasing your meat from a source that you know treats its animals well. Maybe that means choosing meat entrees less often when eating out. Maybe that means sending a letter to your representative. You don't have to go all the way and stop eating meat or meat products entirely. But you can do something.

I implore you to do it for our amigas in those crates. They are powerless. We are not.

This post was written in response to Her Bad Mother’s recent “call to action” in which she asked us to blog about a cause that we are passionate about.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


one little berry
from one little bush
one call to Poison Control just to be safe
one shocked mother learns about cyanide
one minute told it's probably fine; the next minute told he could stop breathing in his sleep
one long night sleeping in Little Guy's room
one smiling face peering over crib rails in the morning
one little incident to put it all in perspective

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Now at The Imperfect Parent

Guess what? I’m blogging over at The Imperfect Parent today! I’m pretty sure they thought I was someone else when they offered me the gig and now they can’t take it back. He he.

So I'll be writing over there ocassionally. But I'm kinda freakin’ out a little because now I’m out of the comfort zone of the snuggly little bloggy blanket that I’ve created for myself here at Mommy off the Record, and I'm feeling a bit naked over there.

So, um, I hate to ask this, but it would help to have some bloggers that I know come by to visit me over there. That is, if you have time. I mean, I hate to beg. But it'd sure be nice.

And I promise to get around to your blogs to comment very soon. I've been having a terrible time getting around to visit because of work-related crapola. (It so totally sucks when you're so busy at work that your job is getting in the way of your blogging. Gah!)

P.S. My name is Cristina Matthews. (At least that's what I'm calling myself around the Imperfect Parent website.) You can find my latest post here.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Woman in Training

It recently dawned on me that I am fairly out of shape and that if I am to be serious about having any energy whatsoever to engage in the *ahem* extracurricular activities that I will be performing very regularly now in light of my recent decision, that I would have to get into shape.

So I followed my big decision with a slightly less momentous, but still significant, decision and I opened a gym membership.

Today was my first ball-breaking, vulva-breaking(?) session, and as a result of my workout, I now, ironically, have like no energy left for the extracurricular activities that the gym workouts are meant to support. And perhaps more importantly, I am so out of steam that I can barely craft a coherent post tonight or do much blogging at all.

However, I wanted to at least say thank you for this Crazy Hip Blog Mama of the Week award. I knew you all thought I was crazy, but I’ve never been called “hip” before in all my life. And I kinda like it. So thanks. I think I'll hang on to it for a week. It kinda feels good.

OK. I’m gonna go collapse onto my bed now.

Oh, one last thing. Anyone know where I can get a good pair of leg warmers? Cuz I hear that 80's clothes are making a comeback, and I wanna look good when I go to the gym.

Monday, September 11, 2006

A poem

Today I would like to share a poem written by Lucille Clifton, who is an award-winning poet and author of children’s books. Her poem is entitled, "September Songs, A Poem in Seven Days" and was inspired by the events of September 11th. I have copied some of her verses below.

thunder and lightning and our world
is another place no day
will ever be the same no blood

they know this storm in otherwheres
israel ireland palestine
but God has blessed America
we sing

and God has blessed America
to learn that no one is exempt
the world is one all fear
is one all life all death
all one

You can listen to her recite the first two days of her poem here.

Or click here to read tributes to the victims of 9/11.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Embarrassing Personal Tidbit #1

[OK. I'm going to start putting myself out there. Like as in, I'm going to start a little "feature" on my blog where every so often I share a terribly embarrasing secret about myself. Why would I do such a thing? Maybe I'm bored or out of post ideas or maybe I just like making fun of myself. But more probably, I'm starting to feel more comfortable with you guys. And maybe I just want to share random, embarrasing facts about myself so you can get to know me a little bit better. Just don't make me regret this..... And if you want to keep me company, post an embarrasing secret on your own blog, leave me the link, and I'll stop by to read all about it.]


Zits. They have plagued me since puberty. Plagued me. I thought that once I entered my 20s, they would magically disappear. But noooooo. They're still here. Even after taking that vile poison Accutane for six months as a teenager. (For anyone unfamiliar with this Roche product, it's the stuff they give the people who just can't bear to be seen in public anymore cuz it's that bad.)

The thing is that I eat well, drink water, and keep my skin clean. Yeah, all that stuff. But it's genetic. And it's not fair. *stamps feet*

Over my lifetime, I've had them on my face.
On my neck.
On my chest.
On my back.
I've even had some on my upper arms.

But I've never had one in my ear before. Until today.

Stupid, fucking, stressful-ass government job. You're ruining my complexion! Damn you.

I would take a picture of my zit and post it here just to completely gross you out, but I can't because it's inside my fucking ear. WTF?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Happy and Scared, but More Happy


vomiting and nausea...and, uh, did I say vomiting?

horse pills prenatal vitamins

fuddy duddy maternity clothes


swollen ankles

no sushi, Brie, or margaritas

tender boobies


the awful "I-have-to-pee-right-now-get-the-hell-outta-my-way" feeling every 15 minutes


weight gain

vaginal exams... every. month.

contractions. on Pitocin. with a failed epidural.

vaginal stitches

sitz baths


stretch marks

cracked nipples

sleep deprivation

That new baby smell

A brother or sister for Little Guy

Clearly, the pros outweigh the cons, so it's official. We're trying for #2.

Monday, September 04, 2006

We Interrupt this Program...

We interrupt this program to bring you a series of random questions.

1) Have any of you heard of a website called The Imperfect Parent? If so, do you like it?

2) Anyone been contacted by them recently to blog for their site? If so, are you considering it?

3) Do you think that 1:30pm on a Monday is too early to start drinking? Uh. Wait. Don't answer that.

4) Anyone care to toast the end of summer with me?

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Say it Ain't So

Have you ever surfed on a T-1 connection? There are really no words to describe the fabulosity of a fast Internet connection. At least I cannot come up with the words because I get all choked up when I try. I love it. that. much.

And hence, I love my job. Because at my job not only do I get to serve the public and help make our communities safer, healthier places to live, but more importantly, at work I have a T-1 connection. And during my two regularly scheduled government-supported breaks of 15 minutes each (no more no less), I use the Internet to catch up on my blogging. I check my e-mail, check my bloglines, and check in with all of you. And I can do it 2-3x as fast as I can at home.

But what's that overused saying...All good things must come to an end?

While at work last week, I tried to open my e-mail and saw this:

I couldn't believe my eyes. There must be some mistake, I thought. I cancelled out of the page, refreshed, and tried again. No dice. I was locked out of my e-mail. For good it seems.

I'd heard the office rumors about tightened Internet security policies. And I know it's only a matter of time until blogs are on the "restricted" list too.

So I'd like to dedicate this post to the memory of my T-1 connection, which served me well for many months. I'll miss you, my little T-1. I don't know what I'll do without you.

Please excuse me while I take a moment of mourning. *sob*

Friday, September 01, 2006

Linky Lurve

Edited to add: More links added Saturday...see below!

I need a break from talking about myself. It's always MotR this and MotR that on this blog. I mean, really. It gets a little old after a while, don't you think?

Today, instead of boring you with my trolling antics or talking ad nauseum about Little Guy's toliet paper fetish, I'd like to point you to a few bloggers whose blogs, I think, are worth a little clickity click over for a visit.

First off, I would like to share my Perfect Post nomination with you. I have nominated Debbie for her post "Daze." Please read it. And prepare to get teary-eyed and fall in love with a new blog if you're not yet reading her. To read more about the Perfect Post Awards, go here or here.

Secondly, Much More than a Mom asked me to tell everyone about her new efforts to raise money for cancer research and patient comfort. Unfortunately, her father is fighting cancer; this is her way to fight back. You can see her new line of merchandise, here, at her online store.

Third, I came across this neat little site that you might be interested in called Bloggy Gossip. In the words of the blog authors, "It’s not for icky gossip, it’s just for the good stuff!" They are posting about a ton of different blogging-related topics. Best of all, if you have something to share, you can submit it to their site to be featured.

Well, that's the round-up folks. Now...I have a question for YOU. Do you have any linkies to sites or posts or fundraisers that you think others should know about? If so, post me a comment, and I'll upload the info to this post later.

Have a great weekend all!

Edited to add your links:

1) "I am a fiber artist and a member of this Our mission is to raise money to sponser a woman who is participating in the Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk." ~Kim

2) "I wanted to add a link I think is worth checking out. It's He has a tribute idea for Sept 11th and needs people to sign up and do a tribute on that day on our blogs. Please check it out." ~Kim

3) "My dh and I have two fundraisers going. One is A2Zgifts and the other one is Stuff A Friend." ~Dawn

4) "A couple of boys I have known since elementary days. really cool cause. really cool guys. their mom would be so proud of them." (Spinning Southward was started in 1996 to honor their mother Jean who was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor that took her life in the winter of the same year. Per the website, monies raised will go to innovative brain tumor research and patient care.)~Nut's Mom

5) Invisible Children aims to help raise awareness and money for the children in Uganda who are trying to keep from being kidnapped by the LRA and forced to fight as soldiers. ~Mary

6) Guys Read is a site dedicated to raising the literacy rate of boys. ~Mary

7) Baggage at BaggageThatGoesWithMine is holding a challenge to raise $1000 for Donor's Choose. They fund teacher projects in disadvantaged schools. It's a great cause; learn more & help her reach her goal. ~Danielle

8) Did you see this article over at Wallpaper of the Mind? It's gotta be just about the best post on mom bloggers that I've ever read. ~Nancy
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