Saturday, September 30, 2006

1-2-3 Sexercise!

You know when up sign up to work out at a new gym and you get all excited and plan to go several times a week and you envision yourself looking totally sexy in those pre-baby Seven Jeans that you've saved because you know that one day, damnit, you will fit into those jeans again, but then you really don't actually go to the gym even though you think about it all the time, especially on the day that the $39.99 is deducted from your bank account? Anybody feelin' me?

Well, I fear this may be happening to me. Again.

A couple weeks ago, I signed up to go back to the gym. I went in for my introductory "fitness evaluation" and gym orientation wearing the new workout outfit I had bought at Target (because you just have to have a new workout outfit when you start a new gym), and I was generally feeling very good about myself for being there. So good, in fact, that I decided to reward myself by not actually going to the gym for the next several days. I mean, I spent a lot of energy just making the decision to go back to the gym. I deserved a break.

So anyway, the other day, I get this message on my voicemail:
Hi MotR! This is Rick from 1-2-3 Fit! I'm calling because you haven't been to the gym all week. We want to make sure you are on target for all of your fitness goals so please come in soon. It's important to get in at least three times a week. Please let us know if everything's OK.
Uh, talk about a guilt trip. I felt so guilty that I immediately went to the fridge for ice cream. Seriously. But I was also a little peeved. I mean, it's great that they care and all, but since when do gym owners call to check up on you and lay on the guilt? Don't they know that people who sign up for the gym don't usually go? Hellooooo.

But since he is concerned, I feel the need to give him a call back. Here's what I'm planning to say:
Hi, Rick! Thanks so much for calling to check up on me. I know I haven't been to the gym in a while, but with good reason. You see, I've been getting SOOOO much sex lately that I just don't have ANY energy left for a gym workout. But don't worry, I'm taking care to get in at least three 30-minute sessions a week, and I'm doing all the appropriate warm-ups and cool-downs. I don't wanna pull anything - YOU taught me that. Anyhow, it really means a lot to know that you care so much about my fitness health! Thanks so much for your call!
So, that's the best excuse I got. Anyone got anything better?


Blogger Mel said...

LMAO! Nope, that about covers it. After that, "I pulled a muscle in my ear" is just... tame.

2:41 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Too funny...but the sad thing is I get it

5:52 AM  
Blogger Red Rollerskate said...

That IS a good form of exercise. Unless you make him do all the work.
When you leave that message with him, you should probably add, "and after my last workout, I had to breastfeed, so that was an extra 500 calories, don't you worry."

7:43 AM  
Blogger Self Proclaimed Supermom said...

I double dog dare you to leave him that message LOL!

8:18 AM  
Blogger sunshinedaily4me_wuz_here said...

Wow, I have never heard of a gym calling you to actually encourage you to come. Not that I think its a bad idea....actually its pretty good. I figured most gyms LIKED the fact that people sign up and pay and don't come - makes it less crowded for those who do and less money they have to spend on maintenance, etc. Anyway, I sympathize - the gym leap is a big one and joining was one hurdle, but its the actual GOING that is the hardest - ha ha. And, you are getting workouts at home...hee hee

8:22 AM  
Blogger Mona said...

LOL! Sexercise is great! It really does burn calories. And ice cream is just another source of calcium. Doesn't Rick know that? Don't let him get in the way of your nutritional goals!

9:49 AM  
Blogger Damselfly said...

Too funny!

10:11 AM  
Anonymous CrankMama said...

I made it to *ONE* of my thai boxing classes... They've called me TWICE. I too am so satisfied by signing up, it's as if I actually go.. that's how righteous I feel.

The only thing that belies this fantasy is the tightness of my jeans.... OY!

10:13 AM  
Blogger Guinevere Meadow said...

That's funny! I never heard of a gym doing that!

10:38 AM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

You could tell him that you've been too busy breastfeeding.

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Momish said...

Too funny! That is how all my stabs at a gym membership went. Now, had they taken the time to call me, maybe I'd still be there.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

Oh hell yes.

I double dog dare you to do it.

He's probably offer to come over and help you on your form

12:01 PM  
Blogger kim said...

TFF! ( too f'in funny ) I triple dog dare you to print that up and mail it !!
You'll probably get a personal trainer for free out of it lol

1:00 PM  
Blogger Linus said...

LOL! That would be hilarious!

I wish it were true for me because I NEED to join a gym, but know that I won't go . . . so if I could just get the sex thing going which would be more fun than going to a gym . . . :)

1:38 PM  
Blogger Chrissy said...

Ok now a quadruple dare (if there is such a thing).

2:28 PM  
Anonymous Dawn said...

You could also go fro shock and awe, as in
"Well, Rick, My menstral flow has been so heavy this week, I assumed the other patrons wouldn't want to use the equipment after me, but since you feel I shoul, I'll be right down!"

3:16 PM  
Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

Heh. You go girl. Get you some!

5:04 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

LOL! My excuse at the moment would be I'm pregnant and too freakin' exhausted.

Of course, with all that sex going on, you might be the same way soon, and so then you'd have a good excuse, too. ;)

6:59 PM  
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7:01 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

You are bad.
Soooo good you are doing the nasty, but that is not going to get your booty back into the holy grail of Seven Jeans.
So, after you have had your hot moments, get over to that gym and pump some iron!

10:05 PM  
Blogger monica said...

OH I TOOO double dog dare you to leave that message. That is a hoot! LOLOLO. thank you for the laugh today, I so needed t hat.

1:05 PM  
Anonymous chelle said...

hehehe you are bad!

1:51 PM  
Blogger jen said...

HILARIOUS. Please, please let me know if you actually say that, and then maybe you can call my gym and leave them the same message.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Queso said...

Please do leave that message. Please. I'll PayPal you a dollar. Toward next month's membership and all.

7:42 PM  
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

HA! Would that be anything like joining Weight Watchers and then "forgetting" to go to the weekly meetings, or paying for it online but not actually following the meal plans at all?

Thought so. At least you can leave naughty messages for the trainer.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Beck's Mommy said...

That sounds incredibly familiar! In fact my husband no longer will let me sign up for gym memberships because I have wasted so much money NOT going over the years.

My suggestion for an excuse of why you can't go: tell him you are breastfeeding! I hear that it works wonders on geting people to drop the subject and let you off the hook!! Ha ha!

8:12 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Yikes! Remind me to read the fine print the next time I sign up at a gym. Just in case there's a "By signing this you agree to accept guilt calls when deemed necessary" clause. What crap.

I'm with the rest... You go, girl, with that message!

8:26 PM  
Blogger Nut's mom said...

that is hilarous. and by the way, seeing as I have met you, you are sooo skinny to begin with what the hell are you talking about size 7 jeans!!?? you are like a 5 at elast (not lip service either!)

8:36 PM  
Blogger Jodi said...

hehehehe, I double dog dare ya to actually call and say that. I get soooo annoyed that they may call me and find out where I have been that I just don't join in the first place. :)

8:41 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

My hubby told me he wants to lose weight. And I told him that although I like him fine the way he is, I'd be supportive. And that I'd be such a loving wife that I'd have sex with him more because hey, that burns calories.heehee.

Your story reminded me of that and I had to share.

I'd say you've got yourself a winner of a phone call. If you leave it on his voice mail, I bet the guy would SAVE it forever. heehee.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Oh boy! I've been triple and quadruple dog dared to do this! But if I do it, I'm a bit worried he might want to come over and help me with my form, like Jenny said. EWWWWW!

How about a compromise? I'll leave an anonymous note in the suggestion box. I'm sure I'm not the only one he called last week so I can just see him trying to rack his brain to figure out which one of the hot-ass mamas that work out at his gym is getting all the sex. hehehehe

10:22 PM  
Blogger Catch said...

you have cracked me up!!! I laughed through this whole post! Id call him back and say " hey Rick, I was there last week, have I lost so much weight you didnt even see me?????"

And you is much more fun than exercising!

1:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the anon note idea! Have you tried a striptease fitness class? For the first time in my life I look forward to going to the gym.

7:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooops! The last post was from slackermommy. Blogger behaving badly again!

7:01 AM  
Blogger Farm Girl said...

You are a big girl, I think I would have been annoyed by the call. But, that is just me.

7:43 AM  
Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

I'd call his sorry ass back and just breathe heavy into the phone and right before you hang up, tell him who it it. Than make the 'orgasm' moan.

7:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great idea for them to call - it might be all 'some people' need to get going. Not 'us' people, of course, but some people?

Sex is awesome cardio, so now you just have to hoist your baby around for your weight training.

(I actually teach a class at my gym called "Mommy n' Me - Baby Weight")

;-) Much More Than A Mom
(Blogger won't let me choose an identity...)

7:57 AM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

That's a great excuse!'s even better if it's true...

8:10 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Slackermommy: striptese fitness class? My pole dancing skills ARE a bit rusty. Where do I sign up? LOL

Christina: your comment got me kinda hot. he he (j/k)

8:52 AM  
Blogger Pattie said...

Oh My God!
I am willing to bet Rick won't be calling back with any more guilt trips after that one! heheheh....

8:53 AM  
Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

Getting back into the gym is the hardest part of the fitness process. I TOTALLY feel you there. My suggestion is to give yourself a goal of 3 days a week for a minimum of 30 minutes and to keep your THR on the low side. Many people over do it in the first week that they are so sore and exhausted they use that as an excuse not to go.

I'm so ready to get back into the gym, I am clawing the walls.

11:29 AM  
Blogger beth said...

OMG they called you! I'm horrified, especially since I joined my gym on Friday...and havn't gone yet.. Dear God I hope they don't call me.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Emma Kaufmann said...

Did you leave that message? My instructor kept ringing me when i didn't turn up and driving me nuts. It didn't motivate me. Now I don't do the machines where he lurks and just do the classes instead.

Sex isn't really excerise unless its vigorous. I did a bit of research on this and found out that the average sex session lasts a fairly pathetic four minutes and would burn up only 28 calories - enough to burn off half an apple or one Ryvita. But I am sure you are above average!

2:10 PM  
Blogger Chantal said...

Wow. Your gym cares? My gym just wants my fees. They could care less if I'm there or eating a tub of icing on the couch. Actually, I think they prefer me at home cause I sing along while I run.

6:52 PM  
Blogger Jess Riley said...

Wow, your gym called to check up on your attendance? This is just one more reason for me to avoid the gym. I get enough guilt-tripping from my family. ;)

(Very funny post!)

8:49 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

How bout "Hey Rick, why don't you worry about your own pecs and gluteus maximus for a while. I'll be fine. Though I appreciate the extreme guilt trip." LOL.

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am dying here! I should know better than to get 3 posts behind and read you all in the same day!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!

8:19 AM  
Blogger Leigh said...

I heard a scary stat the other day - something like they count on only 5% of signed up members coming at any one time. If even 20% had to come, there would be BIG trouble.

I've been on Weigh Less and before I decided to join I went on an organising binge, throwing out everything that made me look fat. Today I realised that I can now fit into a lot of that. AAAAHHH - can't win, can we?!

2:18 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Now if it were only true! LOL

11:01 AM  
Blogger NtycnBoricua said...

That's great! LOL
Gotta see his face when he hears that message! :)

12:06 PM  
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