Wherein Karma Bitch Slaps Me with Her Rubber Glove

I am a thief. There, I've said it. Last Friday at approximately 3:53pm I walked out of Target with this pine-colored barstool. Without paying for it.

I am soooo bad.

But. It wasn't intentional. I mean, not really. I happened to place a seat cushion atop the barstool. The cashier (bless her heart) scanned the tag for the seat cushion and forgot to scan the price tag for the actual barstool. So, I paid $4.98 on clearance for the seat cushion and got the $25 barstool for free. And somehow I got through the little security bar thingies without the alarm going off.

I knew I had gotten it for free and a better person would have pointed out her mistake, but I'm not a better person. I ran out of the store with my loot and made my gettaway.

However, the guilt began to set in that evening and by the following day, I was sure that Karma was going to pay me back big time for my transgression. And sure enough, Karma got me alright.

Cut to the next day.

Husband and I and Little Guy travelled 3 hours to San Jose for my friend's wedding. I was really looking forward to getting away for a mini-vacation. We would be staying in San Jose for the night and then going to Monterey the next day. Unfortunately, whatever could go wrong, did.

1. We stop for lunch in a drive through on the way there. My husband orders an extra large iced tea. He places it in the car cup holder next to me. As we drive away, the iced tea tips over and spills all over my dress. Luckily, my dress is black. But still.

2. We get to San Jose right on time and exit the freeway en route to the ceremony. We have about 10 minutes until the wedding starts and we are less than a mile from the Church. We are feeling good. And that's when we get lost. Yes, a mere mile away from the wedding ceremony we get lost for half an hour, causing us to miss half the ceremony. Thanks a bunch Yahoo Maps.

3. For comfort reasons, I wear my flip flops in the car and pack away my black strappy dress shoes. When we arrive at the Church (late and now really peeved), I run to the trunk to pull out my bag and find that there is no bag to pull out. Yes, folks, I've left my entire bag of clothing for the weekend at home. Including my shoes, underwear, nightclothes, etc. And so I am forced to wear these pink flip flops into Church. Fuck.

4. Due to the fact that I had planned to wear closed-toed heels to the wedding, I had not bothered to do my nails or pluck out the two unruly hairs that emerge on my big toes and which are now clearly going to be out there for all to see. Double fuck.

5. After the wedding, there is a two-hour break until the evening reception. I am slightly comforted by the fact that there is a factory outlet close by and race there to find some more appropriate shoes. I am quickly dismayed to find that not only are all of the black shoes on sale completely UGLY, they are also grossly overpriced and I cringe at having to hand over $59.99 for shoes I will never wear again. Karma, I shake my fist at you!

6. Karma gives me a break while we attend an absolutely fabulous reception at the $10 million dollar home of my friend's aunt, who by all accounts is into "real estate", but by the looks of her posh estate might have a few side "gigs" going on that we probably shouldn't know about. The women are all beautiful and hail from Columbia. The men look like they walked off the set of Scarface. I feel grossly out of place, but have a wonderful time anyway, eating lobster and fantasizing about what it would be like to live in such a place.

7. Upon arriving at the hotel later that evening, Karma decides to kick it into gear again when I find out that the reservation I made was for Friday night. Unfortunately for me, it is Saturday night. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. Somehow, we weasle our way into a room in the "almost sold out" hotel, but I have yet to see whether I will have to pay for both nights.

8. The following day, I don my wrinkled party dress and pink flip flops and we head to Monterey to check out the Aquarium and walk around Cannery Row. I notice that people are looking at me and I wonder if they're checking me out because I look so hot in my outfit. But then I realize they're probably just wondering what the hell I'm doing in a black dressy dress and flip flops in the middle of the Aquarium. Oh, and perhaps they noticed my white legs peppered with stubble. Because, of course, I had also left my razor at home.

9. Upon exiting the Aquarium, it begins to rain. 'Nuff said.

Despite it all, we arrived home safe and sound. Thank GOD. And I have no idea if this was really Karma getting me back for stealing that barstool. But one thing's for sure, I think I've paid my debt.

Now, on to more important matters: does anyone know whether Target takes returns without receipts? Because the barstool doesn't look quite right in my kitchen after all.