Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Wherein Karma Bitch Slaps Me with Her Rubber Glove

I am a thief. There, I've said it. Last Friday at approximately 3:53pm I walked out of Target with this pine-colored barstool. Without paying for it.

I am soooo bad.

But. It wasn't intentional. I mean, not really. I happened to place a seat cushion atop the barstool. The cashier (bless her heart) scanned the tag for the seat cushion and forgot to scan the price tag for the actual barstool. So, I paid $4.98 on clearance for the seat cushion and got the $25 barstool for free. And somehow I got through the little security bar thingies without the alarm going off.

I knew I had gotten it for free and a better person would have pointed out her mistake, but I'm not a better person. I ran out of the store with my loot and made my gettaway.

However, the guilt began to set in that evening and by the following day, I was sure that Karma was going to pay me back big time for my transgression. And sure enough, Karma got me alright.

Cut to the next day.

Husband and I and Little Guy travelled 3 hours to San Jose for my friend's wedding. I was really looking forward to getting away for a mini-vacation. We would be staying in San Jose for the night and then going to Monterey the next day. Unfortunately, whatever could go wrong, did.

1. We stop for lunch in a drive through on the way there. My husband orders an extra large iced tea. He places it in the car cup holder next to me. As we drive away, the iced tea tips over and spills all over my dress. Luckily, my dress is black. But still.

2. We get to San Jose right on time and exit the freeway en route to the ceremony. We have about 10 minutes until the wedding starts and we are less than a mile from the Church. We are feeling good. And that's when we get lost. Yes, a mere mile away from the wedding ceremony we get lost for half an hour, causing us to miss half the ceremony. Thanks a bunch Yahoo Maps.

3. For comfort reasons, I wear my flip flops in the car and pack away my black strappy dress shoes. When we arrive at the Church (late and now really peeved), I run to the trunk to pull out my bag and find that there is no bag to pull out. Yes, folks, I've left my entire bag of clothing for the weekend at home. Including my shoes, underwear, nightclothes, etc. And so I am forced to wear these pink flip flops into Church. Fuck.

4. Due to the fact that I had planned to wear closed-toed heels to the wedding, I had not bothered to do my nails or pluck out the two unruly hairs that emerge on my big toes and which are now clearly going to be out there for all to see. Double fuck.

5. After the wedding, there is a two-hour break until the evening reception. I am slightly comforted by the fact that there is a factory outlet close by and race there to find some more appropriate shoes. I am quickly dismayed to find that not only are all of the black shoes on sale completely UGLY, they are also grossly overpriced and I cringe at having to hand over $59.99 for shoes I will never wear again. Karma, I shake my fist at you!

6. Karma gives me a break while we attend an absolutely fabulous reception at the $10 million dollar home of my friend's aunt, who by all accounts is into "real estate", but by the looks of her posh estate might have a few side "gigs" going on that we probably shouldn't know about. The women are all beautiful and hail from Columbia. The men look like they walked off the set of Scarface. I feel grossly out of place, but have a wonderful time anyway, eating lobster and fantasizing about what it would be like to live in such a place.

7. Upon arriving at the hotel later that evening, Karma decides to kick it into gear again when I find out that the reservation I made was for Friday night. Unfortunately for me, it is Saturday night. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. Somehow, we weasle our way into a room in the "almost sold out" hotel, but I have yet to see whether I will have to pay for both nights.

8. The following day, I don my wrinkled party dress and pink flip flops and we head to Monterey to check out the Aquarium and walk around Cannery Row. I notice that people are looking at me and I wonder if they're checking me out because I look so hot in my outfit. But then I realize they're probably just wondering what the hell I'm doing in a black dressy dress and flip flops in the middle of the Aquarium. Oh, and perhaps they noticed my white legs peppered with stubble. Because, of course, I had also left my razor at home.

9. Upon exiting the Aquarium, it begins to rain. 'Nuff said.

Despite it all, we arrived home safe and sound. Thank GOD. And I have no idea if this was really Karma getting me back for stealing that barstool. But one thing's for sure, I think I've paid my debt.

Now, on to more important matters: does anyone know whether Target takes returns without receipts? Because the barstool doesn't look quite right in my kitchen after all.


Blogger StonesThrow said...

LOL! Thank you for the laugh and the reminder that I'm not alone. Had a similar incident at a Ben Franklin store about 10 years ago and finally had to give my ill-gotten gain to the Goodwill to end the curse.

11:16 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

I think you'd better run to Target in your pink flip flops as fast as you can and pay for that stool before you get hit by a Mack truck, or an asteroid lands on your house!!!!

I love your wedding story!!


12:28 AM  
Anonymous Nicola said...

Karma's a bitch like that, though at least as an upside it provided us all with a very funny story!

I wouldn't have paid either, it's not my problem if the checkout people are incompetent! Last week I got a $7 bagel for 70c. Maybe you could donate the money you saved to charity? Otherwise, if you wanna return the stool, you could go back to the store and play dumb, give them the receipt for a return and pretend like you didn't realise you hadn't been charged.

1:25 AM  
Blogger ~d said...

I so know Karma. WHOA! I got to the car once with an effing unpaid bottle of nailpolish and well-I still have it, but dude, everytime I look at it!


Good luck returning it. They will probably want to give you a store credit-HAHAHAHA

4:16 AM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

Too funny, lady! All for a $25 Target stool.

5:30 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Oh, shit. We recently went to my sister-in-laws wedding, forgetting Cakes dresses and Papa's suit. Luckily crazymumma was able to bring them for us.

5:42 AM  
Blogger dcrmom said...

Ohhhhh, lmao. That's hilarious. But only because it didn't happen to ME! What a weekend.

5:44 AM  
Blogger Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

Hi, just found your blog yesterday...I think I'm hooked;>

That's one helluva karma pay back for a $25 stool.

On the return policy of Target, I know they had a no-returns/exchanges-without-receipt policy for a while until it caused too much trouble, so I believe they will take it back without receipt now, but they attempt to locate the receipt in their system and keep track of how many non-receipt returns you make...and it may only be for store credit, but that's not really all that bad when you're talking Target.

5:51 AM  
Blogger Queso said...

Those darn Karma Police.

6:17 AM  
Anonymous Momish said...

I feel for you! I once walked out of a store with a handbag by accident (I threw it over my shoulder and totally forgot about it). About a week later, it was stolen along with my wallet, glasses, and half my life. Karma sucks!

6:50 AM  
Blogger Mona said...

Lady I just wrote about my thievery on my blog! Are we part of the axis of evil?

Also, a friend of mine who had to return baby shower duds said that Target allows only two returns without receipts a year.

7:10 AM  
Blogger Mary-LUE said...

Maybe you need to make a list like Earl to get your good Karma back.

That was sooooo funny. Thanks for sharing. If I am ever tempted to "get away" with something, I'll remember this and think again. :)

7:13 AM  
Anonymous Jenni said...

This is just too funny. I can laugh because its not happening to ME!
Karma sucks, and it sure does have ways of coming back to bite you in the ass, doesn't it?

7:44 AM  
Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

But you still have your health???

And a bar stool. *giggles*

7:44 AM  
Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

Well, you would have saved yourself a lot of money had you just paid for the barstool!!! ROFLMBO!!! This was a funny, funny post!

8:16 AM  
Anonymous emma said...

Hey don't feel too bad, I would have done the same thing leaving the store with the accidentally unscanned stool. No need to feel guilty, Karma really got you good.

8:44 AM  
Blogger something blue said...

Lady at the Returns Counter:
I'm sorry ma'am; we don't take back items that are cursed with bad luck. We had been waiting for someone to try to purchase that barstool for over twenty months. (Or more precisely 666 days.) I'd suggest you sell it in a garage sale or donate it to a charity that you don't like. Whatever you do, do not use it in a campfire. You would not believe what happened to that last guy!

8:53 AM  
Blogger Linus said...

Love it! Just the laugh I needed while slaving away at work :)

And I don't think it's karma afterall ... the universe is a very fair-minded entity and I'm pretty sure Target didn't have to lay anyone off or declare bankruptcy because they lost $25 on a bar stool.

9:19 AM  
Anonymous Colleen said...

I can't believe all those things happened in one weekend! You should certainly have a positive balance in your karma account now.

9:20 AM  
Blogger mad muthas said...

ooh bloody hell - what a weekend you've had. there must be a CURSE on that bar stool. aren't you glad you didn't pay for it now? xxx

9:51 AM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

Oh my GAWD...you poor thing. I'm not really laughing at you...I'm just laughing. In general.

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Poopydigs said...

Wonderful recap. Karma can be such a biatch. (Believe me, I've kept a few unscanned items myself.)

What hotel did you stay at? I live in SJ and am just curious.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Farm Girl said...

LOL, LOL, LOL OMFG, I had to laugh at your last line. Heck, I'd give it a shot. Screw karma, all those things would have happened anyway.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Nikkie said...

wow, Karma bitch slapped you there! Yeah, I'd run back to Target too and return it right away!

11:03 AM  
Blogger Queue said...

i've had the walk out of the store thing happen to me, and my husband and I have "disagreements" on whether we should take it back or not, like that one time we left with a room design book from home depot, It was a total accident - shoot -I was mad it wasn't even the one i was gonna buy!! but I hate taking stuff back inthe store, I feel like a moron, so either the hubby takes it back or we keep it.

Guess whether it made it back to the store?


11:22 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

Wow, karma is a bitch!

I'd return the stool and play dumb, not realizing you didn't pay for it until you left the store, or donate it to Goodwill along with some other stuff just for good measure.

12:12 PM  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

Why yes, Target does take returns without receipts, but only for store credit. Still good, huh?

A couple of weeks ago I was shopping and putting stuff in my stroller instead of in a cart and I forgot to remove some cinnamon and pay for it. I almost just kept going but I knew Karma would get me so I returned it to the store. Because I didn't want to admit it in my blog. :)

12:16 PM  
Blogger Oh, The Joys said...


12:25 PM  
Blogger Brony said...

Karma works in strange ways. I sometimes wonder though if it isn't us noticing signs that aren't there.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Beck's Mommy said...

What a miserable weekend! Glad you survived and that after all that the stool doesn't work after all. BTW: Target does take returns without a reciept, but only 3 in a year and they track you with your driver's license. Perhaps better to just leave it outside the store one night and give it back to karma.

1:16 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

I'm trying to not writhe in jealousy over your visit to Cannery Row. Steinbeck is one of my favorite authors, and I heart that book.

p.s. karma is a mean, mean, meanie. ya want I should smack him for you? because I will. oh, dear lord, will I ever. wait. Karma? I was kidding. KIDDING! heh. I wasn't even *looking* at you, Karma.

C? I'm a wuss. please forgive me. I'd get your back if it was anyone else. swear.

1:24 PM  
Blogger jennster said...

LMFAO- oh man!!!! i figured you'd say you sat on the chair and it broke. cause THAT would be true bar stool non paying karma! lol

1:30 PM  
Anonymous Andrea said...

OMG this was funny. Not that all the crap happened to you, but how you tell it. I'm thinking you should take the stool back to Target poste haste, and hope you don't wreck the car on the way there.

On the other hand, my husband has done similar things at Home Depot without regret, considering we've been hosed by that store several times. He figures the times the cashier forgot to scan something or didn't see it is just Karma's way of balancing the scales. I'll be paying close attention to whether or not his luck changes next time he pulls one of his own heists.

Good luck!

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I would have left with a free barstool too, but $25 seems like a high price to pay for wearing pink flip flops to a wedding.

2:20 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

too funny. maybe we should nominate you for the ROLF award. sorry it wasn't the best weekend, but at least you got away.

Target will take stuff without a receipt. good luck.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Man, crappy stuff like that happens to me all the time, whether I've accidentally stolen stuff or not.

Sometimes I think we make our own luck. Maybe you were so distracted by your guilt that it made you forget your bag ;)

Anyway, if you learn a foolproof method of turning luck around, let me know . . .

3:03 PM  
Anonymous Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom said...

Oh my God you had me dyin' here! That was the best laugh I have had all day! Thank you so much for sharing your tale...damn karma. Do you need to start a list like Earl?

7:01 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Is Karma going to bitch slap me because I laughed out loud at your misery? Yeah, probably.


7:06 PM  
Blogger jen said...

first, those flipflops look gorgeous. second, you know the stealing gave you a little bitty thrill, post steal...and third, we probably passed each other on the street while you were here....

7:35 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Lets just go for a drink...want too?

I'll even pay.

7:48 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Oh man did you get sideswiped by Lady Karma. I say drop it off after hours and run...its not like you are going to get money back on it anyway....;)

8:08 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Momish: now that's some bad karma!

Mona: we ARE part of the axis of evil. LOL!

Something Blue: I won't use it in a campfire. NO way! Good tip!

Poopydigs: we stayed at the Forest Park Inn in Gilroy. (wedding was in San Jose/reception was in Gilroy)

Jen: you're in Northern CA too? Awesome.

Jen: I'm all for a drink. Too bad you're in Kentucky and I'm in CA. :(

9:35 PM  
Blogger Random Musings Of My Life said...

Ha ha...
And yes you could probably return it...

9:54 PM  
Blogger Babaloo said...

That was hilarious! Karma is definitely an evil little bitch. You crack me up.

10:01 PM  
Anonymous adwina - insparenting.com said...

LOL! You really make my day!
I can't believe you really had to pay THAT MUCH for the $25 stool :).

Point 3 & 8 make me laugh more. LOL again.

But deeply, I'm so sorry, really, about your miserable weekend.

But excuse me please, I'd like to read your post once again and laugh (again..)..

1:17 AM  
Anonymous Jenny said...


You cracked me up like 8 times here.

At least the flip flops didn't have a blow-out, right?

5:37 AM  
Blogger ~d said...

Just passing thru...

6:11 AM  
Blogger Waya said...

That was too funny! I'm a big believer in karma and even stevens. It sounds like you paid your dues for a long time now. So, go ahead and get some more loots at Target. They owe you big time!!

7:29 AM  
Blogger Jodi said...

oh goodness. Well, I don't know how I feel about the whole karma thing in regards to ill gotten goods that were acquired in a complete accident by the receiptant. However, I do know that none of us will ever forget that wedding that you attended in pink flip flops and we weren't even there! And really, the whole weekend made for good blog fodder and isn't that REALLY the point here? :) GREAT post, so funny. Really really funny.

8:31 AM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

I'm not sure what you'll have to do to life this curse, but it's going to have to be REALLY GOOD! How did you get through the weekend without crying?

11:21 AM  
Anonymous slackermommy said...

I'm so sorry you got bitch slapped with bad karma. I've been there more times than I like to admit. Eventually I'll learn my lesson.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

I'm glad you all got a good laugh out of it! It almost made it worth wearing those pink flip flops around all weekend. Almost.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Damselfly said...

Paid your debt? Heck, you've got a credit. Go out and steal something else!

2:54 PM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

ROFL! After all that, and your stolen treasure isn't quite the treasure you wanted. :(

3:26 PM  
Blogger radioactive girl said...

Are you sure there was nothing else karma needed to "get" you for? That sounds like a lot just for one unpaid barstool!

5:11 PM  
Blogger Zephra said...

Can you put word church and fuck side by side? LMAO What a day for you. That Karma is a bitch.

5:55 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Zephra: That's so funny that you say that b/c I almost changed it to "fudge" for that very reason. But then fudge doesn't have the same "kick" to it. I'm sure I'm gonna have some negative karma because of this.

8:29 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Dude. That was Karma on speed. Karma on OVERDRIVE. Karma PMSing. What a bitch.

9:03 PM  
Anonymous chelle said...

oh wow. That just sucks. Hope the karma turns in your favour soon.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Catch said...

I am cracking up!!!! I have laughed all through your post!!!! You are just tooooo funny!

10:39 PM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

I would dump that stool ASAP!

8:52 AM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

I totally think you should sell that jinxed stool on eBay. You could make a mint.

I've had the same thing happen with the black shoes. And those fuckers are still in my closet, six years later, because I'll be damned if I just get rid of them after having only worn them once.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Tracie said...

Man, if it wasn't so bad I would be laughing at this story....okay, so I admit I was laughing at this story. I think you should probably take it back.......before it gets any worse!

10:53 PM  
Anonymous sweatpantsmom said...

A few years ago we walked out of Ikea with a bookcase (not a small one, either) that they didn't charge us for. They gave us the pick-up slip and everything, but somehow the cashier never scanned it.

We didn't realize it until we were driving home, and being the slimy thief I am I just convinced my husband to keep driving. I don't remember any karmic fallout from it, although I now realize that bookcase is ugly as hell.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Penny said...


I walked out of a Walmart with a plastic fifteen dollar trike for my daughter. Completely unintentionally - it was under the cart, in which I was putting my bagged groceries.

At the gym later that day, my two hundred dollar discman was stolen. My day did not end there. Oh no.. I had never believed in Karma, only in perhaps a heightened awareness in particularly negative things occurring in one's day, subjectively in response to something else.

..you know.. like when you buy a new car and suddenly you notice everyone has that car, too...

I won't explain my day, because I just could not do it with the humor that you have used here.

I'm still not sure about karma. But, the last time I walked away without paying, I turned back around, the moment I noticed.

Great story!!!!

2:30 AM  
Blogger kfk said...

Way to go! Make Target pay YOU for the stool that caused all that bad luck.

1:59 PM  

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