Friday, July 14, 2006

from the MotR diaries

(I'm about to get sappy and nostalgic today. Just don't laugh. These are unedited exerpts.)

November 20, 1996
I met this incredible guy on November 2nd. We went to a party (S & I) and as we were kind of dancing this guy came up to us and asked us to dance. She said no. I said why not…Since the day we met we’ve seen each other every single day. He’s very good to me. He’s cute. He’s smart. He’s making me fall for him.

November 27, 1996
As we were kissing a couple nights ago, I felt so connected to him. I felt the beginnings of what love would feel like....He said that he can see us together for a long time, for years. Sometimes I can see it too, other times I realize I’m only kidding myself.

January 27, 1997
One month until my birthday. I’m only a teenager for about 30 more days. I’m so happy right now...my life is good.

February 14, 1997
D is the love of my life. My best friend, my advisor, my lover, my guide. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend. I see myself marrying him. I see myself having his children. I can’t see myself without him.

April 7, 1997
He’s gotten into the habit of picking me flowers. Every time I see him, he’s got a flower for me.

April 14, 1997
One time…D wrote our initials in the frost of all the car windows we passed on our 2 hour long walk from his house to mine in the rain….D waited 1 ½ hours in his car outside the U-Club for me to get off work…D took me to the park and kissed me under the trees….

May 2, 1997
We talked about me going to Italy finally. He said that it was up to me, but that he’d never ask me to stay. He said he’d e-mail me every day and that a year really wasn’t that long.

June 9, 1997
He sat down on the bed next to me. He took my hand but didn’t say anything. He looked sad. Then I saw a couple tears fall from his eyes. I was trying not to cry. He said, “You don’t really want to leave me do you?”

July 4, 1997
While we lay there he asked me to tell him about Padua and what was going to happen when I got there. I told him what I know. As I lay there in the dark with my hand on his chest, I felt so lucky and happy to have his love. I could feel how much he loved me.

July 8, 1997
What does my heart tell me to do? I don’t know. That’s my problem. My heart is all filled up with one feeling—love for him and maybe that’s why nothing else can get through to it. Italy? A year abroad to experience life? How can I love life without sharing it with him? How can I leave him for ten months?...Won’t my heart break from sadness, lonliness, emptiness? Then--How can I give up an opportunity to learn? How can I give up fun, excitement?

He told me to do what my heart tells me. He told me, go, and don’t stay for me, that he would support any decision. And I said that I was sad and confused and didn’t know anything. He said he’d be here for me when I got back.

August 7, 1997
Only about 3 weeks until I leave. I asked D whether he’s sad and he said he’s happy if I’m happy. I don’t know what his real feelings are. I find it hard to leave, but necessary.

September 21, 1997
He e-mailed me [a letter] that I got on Friday. It made me realize how lucky I am to have him. And how generous and loving he is. He said that he loves me in so many different ways. I needed to hear it because before I left I was so insecure about it…He said he wasn’t sad to let me go because he knew I wanted it and he wanted what I wanted and that he would be with me everywhere I was and I with him. I cried in the computer room full of Italians. I wanted to be with him so badly then, but all I could do was touch the words on the computer screen.

October 31,1997
I hate being separated from him like this. I just really hate it. I’m starting to feel lonely.

November 22, 1997
Where are you my love? I’m searching my mind for some sign but when I reach out to feel something, I feel nothing. Winter is covering the world like a drape. Our light is being snuffed out in this cold. If only I could feel your skin under my fingers I know I would be cured from this melancholy. If I could just breath in your kiss, I know I’d feel alive again.

November 23, 1997
Peace settles on my soul/Like cotton falling on pillows/There’s no sound, no sign/of me letting you go/But all the same/I’m breaking inside

January 24, 1998
D actually used the word “marriage” on the phone a couple days ago. He said, “Maybe not now, but in the near future, I’m going to marry you.”

March 9, 1998
Hope and cry and despair and cry some more. That’s all I do and that’s how time escapes me. A year to live—no—a year to stop living until I can come home and be with you again, my life.

June 6, 1998/Return
The last note hangs heavily in the velvet air
I watch your hands poised tentatively over the ivory keys until that final perfect harmony whispers off into the silence of the room
And you turn to me, your eyes glazed over
As with sleep
Refocus--
You see me now
Your eyes seem to kiss me with their sparkling and innocent warmth
You are up and next to me in a second and
It is fervent passion now--for me, for the music
It is the same
And I, transfixed, can only gaze onto your
Genius and follow your music to your soul
From the passion of your kiss, your touch,
The air we now exchange,
I can finally breath again, freely,
Struggling with you to replay those perfect sounds.

****
Happy 5th anniversary, baby. Maybe someday you'll actually read my blog.

35 Comments:

Blogger IMMomsDaughter said...

Happy 5th Anniversary...what a touching tale :)

12:48 AM  
Anonymous la agua fresca - set my mind said...

Happy Anniversary!

Oh, so lovely and inspiring...

Thanks for visiting my blog, too.

You know, the heavy stuff that I'm going through is sooooooo related to your story :D

isn't it funny this coincidence? :D

Thanks for sharing your story...

3:12 AM  
Anonymous Moobs said...

Great. Now I'm sobbbing and sniffling at work and my reputation as hard man litigator is completely blown. I blame you and your cursed romance. Happy Anniversary by the way.

4:24 AM  
Blogger sunshinedaily4me_wuz_here said...

That was beautiful - seriously! I am so jealous. ha ha. That time apart must have been hard, but I guess absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. How cool. Thanks for sharing!!! And Happy Anniversary!

5:23 AM  
Blogger Lindsay said...

I did not want this post to end! I loved every second of reading it... I teard of course because I am a halmark card junky and cry at commercials! Thank you so much for sharing!

Happy Anniversary!

5:32 AM  
Blogger Damselfly said...

Aw ....

How amazing that you saved these entries! And that love holds on despite distance.

6:37 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Absolutely gorgeous!

Happy Anniversary!

6:43 AM  
Blogger bubandpie said...

Wow. Romantic and funny, all in one post. This one really took me back to those days of being in love when being apart felt like removing a limb, and a major organ. Great post.

6:48 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

Aw, so sweet. It's good to relive those heady first months every so often. Congrats for surviving ten months apart - not easy to do so early in a relationship. Enjoy your shishkabobs!

7:21 AM  
Anonymous Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom said...

That was so sweet. Your husband sounds like an incredible man. His ability to be so selfless...all I can say is WOW. Have a fantastic anniversary!

7:59 AM  
Blogger Chantal said...

Congrats! I shed a few tears just now. Beautiful.

8:13 AM  
Blogger Nikkie said...

Such a sweet tribute! Happy 5th Anniversary, I hope that there are many many more!!

9:15 AM  
Blogger Mega Mom said...

It is hard to picture the shish ka bob thing after reading this :)

9:27 AM  
Blogger jennster said...

LMFOA @ maybe you'll actually read my blog. lol
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! those were wonderful. thank you for sharing!

9:46 AM  
Blogger Babaloo said...

That was beautiful. Happy anniversary... I hope he reads it someday too!

10:47 AM  
Blogger Happy0303 said...

What a great tribute to your husband. Since he may never read your blog, you should print it out and give it to him. I'm sure he'll enjoy all the memories it will bring. Happy 5th anniversary!

11:01 AM  
Blogger Alli's Mom said...

Aww....what an awesome man you have there.

Happy 5 years!

11:36 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Mega Mom: when he's handing me a fish-and-bell-pepper shishkabob this evening, I'm going to try to remember back to this time so that I don't skewer him with it. Cuz we really were so in love when we first met. And we still are. It's just different now. You know?

11:48 AM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

This was just...beautiful. Happy Anniversary.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

I wish I had saved something like that. That was so touching and sweet.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

I always think the Flintstones had it right..."Happy Anniversary, Happy Anniversary, Happy Anniversary,haaaaaaaapppy anniversary'
Beautiful entries and thanks for sharing them...
Very Poignant

12:44 PM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

I love this. Love, love, love this.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go kiss my husband.

(Last week was our 10 year anniversary.)

1:30 PM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

Happy 5th anniversary! That was so adorable. I felt like our was reliving our dating years as I read it. Have a happy day!

2:47 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

can't comment. too overcome.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

Happy anniversary! That was a wonderful tale of the evolution of your love. I'm glad you went to Italy, and even more so that your love survived the separation.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

That was. just. so. beautiful.

Thank you for sharing it.

(And Happy Anniversary)

7:47 PM  
Anonymous Karla said...

Happy Anniversary!!

8:09 PM  
Blogger Marcie said...

Happy Anniversary.
My Husband doesn't read my blog either. What's up with that? And you were a teenager in 1997? You're such a young'un!

5:09 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Happy 5th Anniversary to one of the more beautiful writers I've had the pleasure of blog-meeting. May you and hubby have a wonderful weekend!

8:03 AM  
Anonymous krista said...

that was great. i love that you still have those diaries from your teenage years. Your diary from back then, sounds very much like mine, when my boyfriend/now husband went away to university. At the time it was the end of the world to me...

Happy anniversary to you!

8:07 AM  
Blogger kim said...

That was really sweet and touching and I wish he would read it too ...
Enjoy your anniversary :)

9:26 AM  
Anonymous chelle said...

aww Happy Anniversary!!!!! Great journal sharing!!!

3:52 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

Yeah, it does change, but it doesn't too.

Happy Anniversary!

6:21 PM  
Blogger Bridgermama said...

Happy Anniversary! Sounds like you definitely marries your soul-mate!

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Happy Anniversary! I love reading about your history. It's neat that you have that record of how the relationship developed.

7:49 PM  

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