from the MotR diaries

(I'm about to get sappy and nostalgic today. Just don't laugh. These are unedited exerpts.)

November 20, 1996
I met this incredible guy on November 2nd. We went to a party (S & I) and as we were kind of dancing this guy came up to us and asked us to dance. She said no. I said why not…Since the day we met we’ve seen each other every single day. He’s very good to me. He’s cute. He’s smart. He’s making me fall for him.

November 27, 1996
As we were kissing a couple nights ago, I felt so connected to him. I felt the beginnings of what love would feel like....He said that he can see us together for a long time, for years. Sometimes I can see it too, other times I realize I’m only kidding myself.

January 27, 1997
One month until my birthday. I’m only a teenager for about 30 more days. I’m so happy right now...my life is good.

February 14, 1997
D is the love of my life. My best friend, my advisor, my lover, my guide. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend. I see myself marrying him. I see myself having his children. I can’t see myself without him.

April 7, 1997
He’s gotten into the habit of picking me flowers. Every time I see him, he’s got a flower for me.

April 14, 1997
One time…D wrote our initials in the frost of all the car windows we passed on our 2 hour long walk from his house to mine in the rain….D waited 1 ½ hours in his car outside the U-Club for me to get off work…D took me to the park and kissed me under the trees….

May 2, 1997
We talked about me going to Italy finally. He said that it was up to me, but that he’d never ask me to stay. He said he’d e-mail me every day and that a year really wasn’t that long.

June 9, 1997
He sat down on the bed next to me. He took my hand but didn’t say anything. He looked sad. Then I saw a couple tears fall from his eyes. I was trying not to cry. He said, “You don’t really want to leave me do you?”

July 4, 1997
While we lay there he asked me to tell him about Padua and what was going to happen when I got there. I told him what I know. As I lay there in the dark with my hand on his chest, I felt so lucky and happy to have his love. I could feel how much he loved me.

July 8, 1997
What does my heart tell me to do? I don’t know. That’s my problem. My heart is all filled up with one feeling—love for him and maybe that’s why nothing else can get through to it. Italy? A year abroad to experience life? How can I love life without sharing it with him? How can I leave him for ten months?...Won’t my heart break from sadness, lonliness, emptiness? Then--How can I give up an opportunity to learn? How can I give up fun, excitement?

He told me to do what my heart tells me. He told me, go, and don’t stay for me, that he would support any decision. And I said that I was sad and confused and didn’t know anything. He said he’d be here for me when I got back.

August 7, 1997
Only about 3 weeks until I leave. I asked D whether he’s sad and he said he’s happy if I’m happy. I don’t know what his real feelings are. I find it hard to leave, but necessary.

September 21, 1997
He e-mailed me [a letter] that I got on Friday. It made me realize how lucky I am to have him. And how generous and loving he is. He said that he loves me in so many different ways. I needed to hear it because before I left I was so insecure about it…He said he wasn’t sad to let me go because he knew I wanted it and he wanted what I wanted and that he would be with me everywhere I was and I with him. I cried in the computer room full of Italians. I wanted to be with him so badly then, but all I could do was touch the words on the computer screen.

October 31,1997
I hate being separated from him like this. I just really hate it. I’m starting to feel lonely.

November 22, 1997
Where are you my love? I’m searching my mind for some sign but when I reach out to feel something, I feel nothing. Winter is covering the world like a drape. Our light is being snuffed out in this cold. If only I could feel your skin under my fingers I know I would be cured from this melancholy. If I could just breath in your kiss, I know I’d feel alive again.

November 23, 1997
Peace settles on my soul/Like cotton falling on pillows/There’s no sound, no sign/of me letting you go/But all the same/I’m breaking inside

January 24, 1998
D actually used the word “marriage” on the phone a couple days ago. He said, “Maybe not now, but in the near future, I’m going to marry you.”

March 9, 1998
Hope and cry and despair and cry some more. That’s all I do and that’s how time escapes me. A year to live—no—a year to stop living until I can come home and be with you again, my life.

June 6, 1998/Return
The last note hangs heavily in the velvet air
I watch your hands poised tentatively over the ivory keys until that final perfect harmony whispers off into the silence of the room
And you turn to me, your eyes glazed over
As with sleep
Refocus--
You see me now
Your eyes seem to kiss me with their sparkling and innocent warmth
You are up and next to me in a second and
It is fervent passion now--for me, for the music
It is the same
And I, transfixed, can only gaze onto your
Genius and follow your music to your soul
From the passion of your kiss, your touch,
The air we now exchange,
I can finally breath again, freely,
Struggling with you to replay those perfect sounds.

****
Happy 5th anniversary, baby. Maybe someday you'll actually read my blog.