Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The end of the day

We come home.

I've been at work all day.

As has he.

He leaves to walk the dog. His outlet.

I play with Little Guy, who makes me laugh. But I am tired.

He comes home. An hour later.

And gets on the Internet.

I occupy the baby, while he surfs.

I have to go to the bathroom. I've been holding it. For at least an hour.

I ask from the other room: "Can you come watch the baby while I go to the bathroom."

"Yeah, yeah."

I believe him.

10 minutes. He doesn't come.

Now he is on the phone. With a friend.

I walk up to him. "I really need to take a s--t!" I yell it. I really need to go.

He throws down the phone. Exasperated. "It's not my fault you didn't go earlier!"

I see white. Then red. I lash out.

I am all arms. And legs. Flailing at him.

I want to cry. I want to scream.

I just want to go to the bathroom.

And not feel guilty that I want 5 minutes. Alone. In peace.

And maybe even 30 minutes more. Doing something. Just for me.

Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I have to ask for permission?

Why?

******
Please know that I don't want this to be about bashing my husband. I love him. He is 96.59% of the time wonderful. But life is stressful sometimes. Especially at the end of a long day. And sometimes I just need to vent.

66 Comments:

Blogger HMom said...

i know exactly how you feel. Going to the toilet is such a luxury these days!!!

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Moobs said...

Reassure me that you did get your s**t in the end.

I know when I'm really busy at work when I have to put trips to the loo in the diary. Argh!

12:33 AM  
Blogger IMMomsDaughter said...

I do have one of those days too :( especially when I have my PMS :)

2:37 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

My husband is starting to understand that a trip to the bathroom, even if the business at, ahem, hand is not a long process, is going to take longer than before I had a kid. Sometimes he'll call to me "Could you put down my magazine and get out of the bathroom now!".

Where else do we get time to ourselves and the ability to put a door between us and others?

4:36 AM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

I love you for posting this.

I don't air the dirty laundry between my husband and I on my blog...it's the one thing that we both agreed I wouldn't do when I started an online journal. But man, yesterday we had a fight that I was just itching to vent about on my blog. I'm still sore about it now, at 7.38 the next morning. Thanks for sharing this. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one.

4:44 AM  
Blogger sunshinedaily4me_wuz_here said...

Totally understand....Although I am sure you love it, it must be so hard to be at home all day with the kidlets and not be able to have any time to yourself AT ALL and then hubby comes home and can't spare a few minutes to let you pee?? You just needed to vent. You are entitled!

5:09 AM  
Blogger Mamacita Tina said...

I completely understand. With kids there seems to be no down time, even to use the bathroom. When my man gets like that, I hand the baby over to him or set her next to him, no words necessary. I figure he's in a zone where language just bounces off him, only actions work.

5:21 AM  
Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

OOoo I am glad I am not the only one to vent on hubbies. *see last week's rant*

They just DON'T GET IT sometimes. *rolls eyes*

5:36 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

If it makes you feel better, I understand that women have issues after child birth and I do my best to accomodate. There's hope.

5:38 AM  
Anonymous krista said...

This morning while I was in the bathroom both the (walking now) baby and the 5 year old came in the room and the 5 year old wanted to hug and kiss me. Seriously, I just wanted to poo. In private.

When did pooing in private become such a luxury?

5:57 AM  
Anonymous k said...

Oh and MIKE- WOmen have ISSUES after childbirth? What the hell is that? I don't think wanting to pee and poo in private is exactly an ISSUE.

Man.

5:58 AM  
Blogger Chantal said...

The one issue I've always had is MY loss of freedom. Cause damn, my husband still takes hours to shit and I have to ask permission or make sure everyone knows where I'll be. You know, in case they set the house on fire.

6:16 AM  
Blogger bubandpie said...

You didn't mention how hubby reacted to your outburst. With suitable repentance (tears and gnashing of teeth) I hope.

The last time I really, really lost it with my husband I was telling my mom about it afterward and she was in awe and kind of jealous. Because no matter how inequitable things may have been in her marriage, she was never really able to access her anger in a way that would demonstrate how serious she was.

I think sometimes that kind of anger is absolutely essential to a marriage.

6:19 AM  
Blogger Kel said...

Sweetie. BTDT. It finally got to the point where I just walked up to him, handed him bean and walked away and let him deal.

Sometimes men need to be told outright, and then when that doesn't work you just do what you have to do.

((hugs))

6:24 AM  
Anonymous Ginny said...

I feel ya. You have the right to vent on occasion.

6:38 AM  
Blogger Farm Girl said...

I hear you loud and clear. Luckily my Hubs is pretty good about the kids it's the time that he's gone that it can be a challenge.

6:42 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

Even peeing in peace? Unheard of!!

6:54 AM  
Blogger Jodi said...

Holy Stressed-out-Mommy do I ever feel ya! See yesterday's post on my blog. :)

I think when you and hubby both work outside the home it is soooo very hard to find a balance.

We all know you love hubby, I am guessing here, I'm not psyic or anything :), but it DOES feel good to vent sometimes, eh?

AND, it does get better as Little Guy gets older, trust me on that. It really really does get better.

6:55 AM  
Anonymous chelle said...

I totally understand your feelings!! My husband is totally awesome most of the time, however those moments that he does not get it, totally drive me crazy!!!

I hope he made up for his error in judgment!

7:06 AM  
Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

Yeah, I know the feeling! I've actually sat my baby on the bathroom floor while I went because no one was there to let me have peace and quiet on the toitie alone!!!

7:46 AM  
Blogger Nikki said...

i know what you mean.

we all need that alone time, just 5 minutes sometimes can mean so much.

don't sweat it. you needing time to yourself just means your human.

8:11 AM  
Blogger cmhl said...

oh girl, ...

using a personal example, this conversation has occurred in my world how many times?

"we BOTH work, we BOTH have children, we BOTH are tired. You have just as much responsibility as I do to help clean the house/ give baths/ work on paying the bills/ take and or pick up from school/ etc etc etc etc etc..."

8:17 AM  
Blogger the mad momma said...

oh man yes..going to the bathroom in peace is an occassion... an event.. something that needs to be planned. fortunately the OA feels as strongly abt peaceful potty time as me so i cant complain. if he denies me my potty time one day..the revenge will be too painful...

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Colleen said...

I know what you mean. Even those of us lucky enough to have a husband who is wonderful and helpful and totally supportive, they still have those moments, those lapses where for a little while, they just don't get it. I hope you got the "time away" you needed!

8:57 AM  
Blogger cameo said...

isn't living with someone a royal pain in the ass sometimes?

men! - can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em! (no that's not a type-o) ;)

9:04 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Thank you so much for all the supportive comments. I hesitated to post this, but I'm glad for each and every response. I think I just needed to hear someone say they’ve been there. Thanks.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Chrissy said...

Do you live at my house? No. Really. do you? That is basically what happens here 3-5 days a week (depending on what I ate all day,lol). It's either go while baby is sleeping and forget about work/housework/downtime or wait till daddy gets home and shove the kid at him when he walks in the door and RUN to the potty. Daddy has no choice then heehee.

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom said...

We have ALL been there as moms! Over the years, I have learned that the only person making me feel guilty is ME! My husband doesn't, so why do I! As moms I think we are programmed to do this, but it is time to stop the insanity. I now lock the door when I am using the toilet or taking a shower...guilt free. And I think this is good for our kids. They need to learn that we are people too that need "alone" time! Hang in there!

9:35 AM  
Blogger macboudica said...

I think we all have days like that and it does seem sometimes that as a Mom, there is never much down time.

9:38 AM  
Blogger lildb said...

word.

*hug*

9:46 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

I don't take it as "bashing" you are totally normal I am sure - it is nice you write it down makes the rest of us feel not alone!!!

10:01 AM  
Blogger jennster said...

we ALL have those days! people can't please you 24/7... well, unless they're me. LOL
SMOOCH!

10:04 AM  
Blogger kim said...

my take on the whole situation is this... men feel entitled to their time off and away from the family...even if its to walk the dog or take a shit
we however feel GUILT when we need anything for ourselves that doesnt include the nurturing of our family.. we are somehow supposed to enjoy taking a toddler to the bathroom with us
most of the time i dont think it enters their heads that we NEED anything.

add that to the fact that you had an evening away from home recently ...and by all rights you shouldnt need to be alone or need any time to yourself for about a year or more now :)

10:08 AM  
Blogger Alli's Mom said...

Join the club! What does a mom have to do to get to go poo in private? If you figure it out, please for the love of all things good, tell me!

10:29 AM  
Blogger Babaloo said...

That was so well written and not at all over-the-top husband bashing at all. That was just raw emotion leaping out. Glad you decided to post it.

10:30 AM  
Blogger Nut's mom said...

why don't men get this fact? Bear comes home and thinks I have been on my ass all day.

I feel ya.

10:30 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Oh, Kim. How you speak the truth. One night away and I feel like I need to “make it up to him”. As if I’m not entitled to a day off now and then.

Something struck me in what Kel said in her comment, which is that I just need to do what I need to do sometimes and not ask. I get caught up in the asking. And in a way, that’s my problem not his.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Tasha said...

Were you at my house the other day?

10:37 AM  
Blogger Nikkie said...

I have had those days, and will have them again! I understand, it sucks to have to ask to use the can!

10:46 AM  
Blogger virtualsprite said...

Yes... Oh, do I feel your pain. There were days when I actually brought the bouncy chair into the bathroom with me because it was just easier.

And never feel bad about venting. Please. We all need an outlet.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

Relax Krista, all I was saying (building off what Mrs. Chicky said) is that I know things get moved around in there after being pregnant. I have no issue with anyone crapping in private! Don't get so defensive!

10:57 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

bng
Great vent!!

10:58 AM  
Blogger Tori said...

All you wanted to do was go to the loo!
Not fair. Men never quite get the sense of urgency do they....
Try and get them off the toilet though when they are taking one of their fourteen hour performances....
Unlikely...

11:23 AM  
Blogger carrie said...

Oh, how I feel your pain!

I hope that the person on the other end of the phone got the hint, and let your husband go.

Carrie

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

Clearly, this post resonates with a lot of people. My 2¢ is that you don't ask for permission. You TELL him you need help. Even the best husbands need reminding that we're not fricken machines.

{hugs}

2:42 PM  
Blogger Damselfly said...

Urggh, how agravating! That'll probably be me soon, so I feel for ya.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

LOL - you almost made me sh*t my pants....

4:29 PM  
Blogger Marcie said...

I hear you.
When did bathroom time become a frickin' luxury? I also understand the venting. It helps to difuse the anger. Hope everything is happier now.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

Because you are a mom. I think everyone who has ever been a mom feels this way. I stay home with them all day and I know he works too, but I feel like I NEVER get a moment to myself guilt free. URG. Motherhood. I just take the baby and plop him on daddy's lap and go about my business as if there is nothing out of the ordinary. Why is it MY job?

6:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with you here. My husband does not seem to understand why I need private time. "Your gut sucks!" is his usual comment. I've tried to explain that it would be like trying to read the paper or surf online with a little one in your lap (which I have done, he has not). He has also accused me of "dumping" the baby on him and leaving the room. (no pun intended) That's exactly what I'm doing: I'm physically transferring responsibility for our child to someone other than me.
For the record, I work as a nurse, so I'm used to not getting lunch or potty breaks.
To Mike: Women take longer in the bathroom than do men. We're also more likely to be constipated, regardless of our childbirth history. That's not the issue here.
To MotR: You aren't bashing your husband. You're just relating what happened. Ohio Mama

12:13 AM  
Blogger ~d said...

Oh LORD! He can walk the DAWG for an hour?! But you can't poop?!?
Jee-SUS!

I like going to the back bathroom and coming out and being like: I wouldnt go in there for awhile if I were you...heh heh heh.

***elizabeth said: bng
what does that mean?***

6:12 AM  
Anonymous min said...

Get used to it now, because when they get to be teen-agers you NEVER get in the bathroom!

6:37 AM  
Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

We all know exactly how you feel.

9:39 AM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

What Izzy said. Bring the punkin pie to the husband and TELL him, "I'll be right back." He doesn't need to know WHY, and you sure as hell don't need PERMISSION.

But yes - there are times when I lose my shit too. It happens.

1:17 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh Sweetie. I know how that goes. Alot of us do. And god that pisses me off when my hubby does it.

THere are often times I just want to throw that man's computer out the window!

2:28 PM  
Blogger Oblivious Maven said...

Sometimes I'm a boiling pot about to erupt even when I'm getting help. Like if my man offers to do dishes while I bathe the kids and put them to bed, that's nice isn't it? But inside, I seethe a little because I want *him* to bathe the kids & put them to bed, I've had them all day. How I'd love to just do the dishes in peace. And shouldn't he know that?

Gah! When did doing dishes become something desirable? I'm sick. Sick, I tell you.

3:54 PM  
Blogger Happy0303 said...

I'm so with you on this one! It seems like whenever I'm in a 500 foot radius of the kids, they become my sole responsibility.

3:58 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Anonymous: thanks for your comment. "Your gut sucks" huh? Sounds like your husband and mine should get together and watch the kids while we go out to the spa.

Oblivious Maven: I hear you. Chores can be a great escape when you need a break from the kids. Sad but true. Who would have thought?

5:24 PM  
Blogger Mega Mom said...

Oh sweetie, I may be conservative, but didn't I teach you the "you need to wear the pants lesson" :)) I hope you know I'm teasing, but really, just drop the guy in his lap and go take your dooky in peace :)

7:29 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

C, this is such a good post. it's honest. it's funny. it's something we're all familiar with.

*and* guess how many comments there for this post. guess?

60.

yeah.

I said it.

*wink*

xoxoxoxoxoxo

10:15 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I hear ya sister. Nothing beats a good toilet break.

10:34 PM  
Blogger Carolie said...

There's an entitlement thing going on with men that women just don't have. I have to remember, for myself, that I have to:

1. Tell him when I need him to do something...don't just ask. Otherwise, I get "just a minute" which turns into 30.

2. I have to take responsibility for taking care of my own needs. When we walk in the door after a long day at work, and he sits his butt in front of the TV while I put away groceries, start the laundry, start dinner, etc., I have chosen to take that responsibility. Granted, if I don't, then we're going to have dirty clothes, spoiled food and no dinner...but by doing it all every single time, I enable his belief that he is "entitled" to some couch potato time the minute we walk in the door.

I don't really know how to solve things for us, because we're both really different people--and dirty clothes and spoiled food won't bother him the way they'd bother me. But I know we have to start trying to solve them now, before there's a kid in the equation. It's one thing for me to say "fine, let the groceries sit, let the laundry sit, forget dinner" but I can't say that about a kid, now can I?

Thanks so much for posting...it helped me realize I'm not alone! (Well, your post, and the 61 comments!!)

10:57 PM  
Blogger creative-Type Dad (Tony) said...

That's pretty funny!
You should just tell him you pooped your pants next time and ask him what he thinks about that.

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

That's what we're here for -- so you can vent. ((hugs))

6:01 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

Man, I actually got angry reading this! What the hell is that all about? I must be super tired.
Listen, Miss off the Record, you never have to ask to go to the bathroom. Remember that as an adult, and a co-baby-maker, he is completely on the hook for making sure your kidlet doesn't eat Kitty Roca whilst you take a powder-room break.
And since I know exactly where you are coming from with this, having been there oh so many times with the oblivious male in my life, I will leave it at that.

12:07 AM  
Blogger K. said...

My dear, I can't think of any woman who doesn't feel her man is an insensitive jerk from time to time.

12:23 PM  

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