Sunday, July 16, 2006

Close Muthafukin' Call

One of the reasons I started this blog was to have a place to write without having to worry about offending anyone I know in "real life". Not that I write anything terribly offensive, but my parents are the type who shock easily. For example, my dad objects to my use of the expression "that sucks" and has, on several occassions, said to me: "That is a dirty expression. Do you know what that expression really means? Do you?" And I just didn't want to have to worry about using a little fucking profanity on my blog now and then, you know?

Plus, somehow I feel I am more creative when I write anonymously. I don't know why, but I am. And I can be emotionally vulnerable without having to talk about my feelings later with my family. Cuz maybe I don't want to talk about everything with my family. Maybe I just want to write about it. Anonymously. Cuz it's cathartic.

So with the exception of Husband (who doesn't read it anyway) and a couple close friends, I haven't shared this blog with anyone I know. And I like it that way. And I have told Husband that he is to keep my blogging on the "down low" with the fam.

So that's why I was totally peeved the other night when we were at my parents' house for dinner and this exchange occurred:

Mom (to me): You look tired, honey.

Husband: Oh, she's just tired because she stays up late posting to her new blog.

Mom: What? She has a blog? A different blog than the one we read? (I have another blog where I write the details of my hum-drum mommy life for my family to read.)

Husband: Yeah. Mmm hmm. *takes big bite of steak*
What the fuck? I couldn't believe he dropped the bomb like that. What the hell was he thinking??!! That shithead!

As I waited for her to ask me for the URL, time seemed to slow down. Thoughts began racing through my head. I could just see the commentary she would have as she sifted through my archives.

Oh, honey, your father didn't really mean anything by that. You're so SENSITIVE.

Are you having marital problems? It sounds like you're having marital problems.

I don't think writing about yourself on the Internet is safe. You need to just quit blogging if these are the type of people who have access to your site.

You're going to leave the baby overnight? Are you sure that's such a good idea?
Ugh! I knew I would never be able to let her read through it. And that is why I could see the future of my blog, shriveled to a former shell of itself...Posts would have to be deleted. Curse words removed. Any mention of annoying relatives scoured to oblivion.

It was if my entire blog existence was suddenly flashing before my eyes.

The air became thick. I felt queasy. I knew I was caught. Her eyes seem to burn into my head as I looked down towards my dinner plate, trying to pretend I was invisible.

Finally, I raised my eyes slowly, wincing, afraid of the question, afraid of having to share my private writing space with everyone. (Maybe someday, but not today, please, not today.)

As I met her gaze, she looked at me and said, "Honey, will you please pass me the potatoes?"

And that was it. I could. not. believe it.

Apparently Husband is not the only one who could care less about my blog.

Phew. *huge sigh of fucking relief*

62 Comments:

Anonymous Moobs said...

I post anonymously party becaue it leaves me freer to whine and bitch about those I love and partly because I don't want clients reading about my trip to the clap clinic. I feel shifty though reading blogs by those brave souls who have the chops to be honest and open.

1:09 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

I can hear the big sigh of relief all the way over here!

Carrie

1:41 PM  
Blogger metro mama said...

My husband and my two sister-in-laws are the only family that know about mine. I'm worried someone will let it slip.

Glad you got away with that one!

1:44 PM  
Anonymous chelle said...

hehe I have my secret place...and I will never tell!

3:04 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

Did you kick his ass later?

3:29 PM  
Blogger jennster said...

good god. did you beat him?!!?! what the fuck?

4:02 PM  
Blogger radioactive girl said...

What was he thinking???? I have only told a few close friends about mine. I feel like it is my "secret life" even though it isn't nearly as exciting as that would make it sound to be.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

I'm not sure WHAT he was thinking. But that reminds me. I haven't kicked his ass for it yet. Better get on that.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Pattie said...

A slip of the tongue, hmmm? I do not post anonymously. My entire family and all my friends know about my blog. Some times I wished I'd kept my mouth shut because I would love to post stuff, but I can't. Maybe your folks thought he was talking about the same blog?

4:50 PM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

Dude! Did you kick his ASS?

4:58 PM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

Huh. Maybe I should read other comments before I post mine. I see you haven't kicked his ass yet.

Perhaps you are now. ;)

4:59 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

YIKES. Thats a close one.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Happy0303 said...

Maybe your Mom instinctively knew not to ask any questions. Moms can be like that sometimes. But don't be surprised if she brings up the subject later on in private! I wish you luck!

5:59 PM  
Blogger sunshinedaily4me_wuz_here said...

I can sooo relate to this post. I am not anonymous on my blog...but there are specific things I DON'T post about because my parents DO know about my blog. And It annoys me sometimes cause sometimes I want to blog about THEM. I love them, I do...but it IS cathartic to write about the things that bug you. And my parents are soo ultra conservative..I think I need to start another blog - an anonymous one..so I can post what I really thing about everything!!!
And, I can't BELIEVE your hubby spilled the beans. What was he thinking???

5:59 PM  
Blogger IMMomsDaughter said...

I started abother blog for the same reason u are doing for this one. That was really a close call, ain't it?

6:13 PM  
Blogger virtualsprite said...

Wow. That was close. Suddenly I'm very glad that my mother doesn't even own a computer.

6:17 PM  
Blogger beth said...

Ok, well I'm here last so I get to ask if the ass kicking has commenced yet. Are you sure that in the slow mo death of your blog you didn't also see him choking on that steak?

A very similar thing happened to me a few weeks ago with my in-laws, who do not know I have a blog so that I can reserve the right to bitch about them. My father-in-law was criticizing the whole idea of blogging and saying it was ridiculous. My husband said nothing but was eerily silent for way too long, staring at me and waiting to see what I'd do. When I explained that I had a blog and why I did this he was so busy trying to cover up his earlier criticism that no one thought to ask for my website. I believe my exact thought was: Close Muthafukin' Call.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

My husband almost did that to me. Twice. Once to friends ("she spends all her free time 'talking' with her mommy friends online." I smoothed it over by telling them it was message boards.) and once to his parents. That time he told them I spent a lot of time reading blogs. They didn't ask if I had my own because they had no idea what a blog was. Thank gawd they're clueless! And double thank gawd your parents didn't care. Can you imagine?!

6:41 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

My parents have never seen my blog. My brother read ONE entry once and told my mom about it. And my mom started telling me what I could and couldn't blog about. I was pissed. So yeah, I know what you mean there!

6:44 PM  
Blogger Tracie said...

I have tried to keep my blog annonymous as well (I told my mom about it, but she isn't technilogical and only looked at it once-I don't really expect to see her back)

But my husband recently told my mother-in-law (which is why if you look at my most recent post about vacation I don't mention how when she took my daughter out of town, she neglected to mention to us until the day they left that they were going to go to Georgia for four days before North Carolina.......and the the anger which insued and is still boiling!)
I took care of him though, and he will remember in the future to not tell my personal buisness to anyone! (what officer? No, I didn't chop my husband's head off with a rusty ax. I can't imagine how my fingerprints got on it....)

6:50 PM  
Blogger Farm Girl said...

I would have been so upset. I also do the anon thing. My Hubs doesn't even know so I can be totally honest. I'm glad they didn't go any further with it.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Nikkie said...

I would have been livid! I have a standing order with my family who know about my blog: what I say on my blog is for me only and I don't want to talk about it. If I wanted to talk about it with them I would have done so.

I have a special ranting blog that I have passworded to only a key few people. I'd be in real trouble if my family found out about that one.

7:42 PM  
Blogger cameo said...

oh my gawd! oh my gawd! i have had that EXACT same conversation with my dad - i shit you not! word for word - to a T! unreal, i tell you. that's fucking funny!

8:38 PM  
Blogger Lotta said...

I'm so glad my parent's won't read anything that isn't written by John Grisham or endorsed by Oprah.

I would be ticked about the staying up late to post comment. My husband does that too. WTF? It's the only time the house is quiet, I have time to myself and no one is gonna know I'm eating the kids ring dings while I type. (brushing crumbs off my boobs)

9:40 PM  
Blogger shpprgrl said...

omigosh...i would have croaked. no one knows about mine except my blogfriends. someday i'm sure to be busted though. everybody needs a place of their own.

9:48 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Oh wow! So many of you feel the same way I do! I am so glad I'm not alone on this whole anonymous blogging thing. Once in a while I've felt a bit guilty about it, like I'm hiding something. But then I really think that's the only way I'd even have a blog at all so that's just the way it has to be I guess.

10:36 PM  
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

That would be my worst night mare come true. I'd have to delete half my archive if my mother found out I had a blog?!?! WHOA. Glad you made such tasty potatoes that she was distracted enough to not ask for the URL. I hope hubby got a good swift kick under the table :)

4:23 AM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

Hee. My whole family reads the chronicle so I couldn't have hidden my blog from them. Did you ever read my vagina post? Yeah, my grandmother called to tell me how much she loved it. Sigh.

4:36 AM  
Anonymous Kvetch said...

I post anonymously too (no, Kvetch is not my real name). I have one aunt (who rarely reads) and about 1/2 dozen friends who know about and read it, not all of them all the time. I do not want my family to read it because its too personal. Oxymoronic perhaps, but true. It's really so personal that it's only appropriate for strangers.

5:56 AM  
Anonymous krista said...

Hahaha.

I wish I blogged anon sometimes. I don't get to post alot of things I'd like to because the fam reads my blog.

So, you really are mommy OFF THE RECORD here. I'm glad you're fam didn't pursue your URL. I guess they know that some things are better left unearthed.

6:12 AM  
Blogger Zephra said...

I guess she realizes that a woman just needs a place like this sometimes.

6:44 AM  
Anonymous Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom said...

Just one question, did your husband have ANY idea what he had done?

7:57 AM  
Anonymous Poopydigs said...

Our moms are SOO much alike. Too funny. If I told her I had a blog, then I'd have nothing interesting to blog about.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Is said hubby alive still?

9:35 AM  
Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

I also have 2 blogs. 1. family and friends blog to keep up with my kids 2. my blog, where I also talk about my kids, but can also complain about my MIL!

oh, yeah, that reminds me of a good post for this week;)

10:00 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I wish, when I decided to redo my blog to talk about my family, that I'd stayed anonymous. I have a supportive family (parents and sister) who I don't think would care if I ranted about personal stuff (though it was uncomfortable ranting about having to find a new OBGYN when I found out my regular OB doesn't deliver babies anymore knowing my father reads) but I have some extended family that I sometimes need to talk about but can't. Also, my in-laws have the URL, though I doubt they have ever read a single entry (except my sister-in-law). Had I had the foresight to stay anonymous, I so would have.

On the other hand, I have no feelings of guilt for hiding things. And I have a good husband who lets me complain to him about his family when I'm upset, so mostly, I can get the poison out without writing about it.

Hopefully the ass-kicking has already been handled and he's an obedient pupil now, schooled in the art of anonymous blogging.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Alli's Mom said...

Hardly anyone knows about my blog either and I'd like to keep it that way. Why can't husbands be trusted to keep their mouths shut? LOL!!!!!

oh and I also ready your "golf widow" post and after being one for the weekend, I'm plotting my revenge...and it involves me going to the beach this weekend and leaving him alone with the Ladybug.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Babaloo said...

I love reading everyone's take on this topic. I kept my blog from everyone I know also. My husband did eventually find it (but hasn't told me he has found it yet), so he can't really "out" me without "outing" himself. After having kids we (as mommies) really don't have much that is just ours anymore, so I think that's why I love having my own blog. It's just mine!

10:41 AM  
Blogger lildb said...

WHEW.

I so know how you feel. I blithely posted a comment on my mom's travel blog (the great RV trip of 2006 travel blog, that is), and was a dumbass, using my blogger id to post before I even thought about it, I'm so accustomed to doing it with all y'all. immediately after hitting the enter button, I felt everything. slow. waaay. down. as I realized I'd provided them with a link to my blog, the one where I profess profanely to hate mother's day, among other choice tidbits.

yeahhhh.

I felt like Wile E. Coyote, scrambling in mid-air as I realize that the cliff just disappeared.

sigh.

11:16 AM  
Blogger J's Mommy said...

hahahaha! men are such idiots. that's why i post anonymously because my hubby would totally take everything the wrong way and i need an outlet for my crazy, mixed-up thoughts.

11:18 AM  
Blogger kim said...

Veryyyyyyyy close call girly lol
I know what you mean totally and that is the reason I started a new site.. I realised that the girls at work all new about my regular site and there were a few people following it that I just cant STAND! Sooooo I started http://www.stupidpeopleandmisccrap.blogspot.com/
If you want to sign up and post on there ...you are welcome just email me :)

11:55 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Jenny: yeah, I did read the vagina post. And now that I know that your grandmother is reading, I'm going to make sure my comments are tasteful. LOL

Jill: no, I don't think the hubby really realized what he'd done. He's pretty clueless sometimes. But being a dumbass is NO excuse.

Christina: Yeah, I think the hubby's still alive. Hold on. Let me go check the broom closet.

Allie: from one golf widow to another, enjoy your revenge. May it be sweet. Surgary sweet.

Lildb: Oh NO! Do you know if she read through your blog? Yikes! Hope it turned out OK...

Kim: with a blog name like that, how could I NOT want to post on it? LOL. Congrats on starting the new site! Awesome.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

Whew. That was close.

My family knows I blog, but luckily most of them are computer illiterate, so they'd never find it. My husband does read my blog every day, which does limit what I can say on it. I sometimes wish he didn't know, just so I could vent, but he even knows about Her Bad Mother's Basement and True Wife Confessions, so there's noplace safe! :)

12:07 PM  
Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

ROFLMAO - That is exactly why my husband doesn't know about my blog ;)

12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To all - the idea of keeping it even from your husbands makes me uneasy. It's not like an old-school paper journal that nobody reads. Say whatever you want if it stays hidden under your mattress. But if you're writing something that you can't share with your spouse, then maybe it doesn't need to be written. Even if you keep your name anonymous, you're becoming "intimate" in a way with strangers, and that seems inappropriate.

Then again, perhaps it is completely hamrless to spill your guts and hone your writing skills and release that stress on the universe instead of letting it affect your families.

My wife has a blog that I read every day, but she keeps it from the rest of the fam because they are intolerable jerks. I would feel offended if she didn't share it with me though. In fact I kind of stumbled on it accidentally, maybe she wishes I didn't know... Now I'm paranoid. She did tell me she had one, surely she expected me to read it one day. Am I a controlling husband? Should we be on the Dr. Phil show?

Mommy Off The Record, I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

1:33 PM  
Blogger ~d said...

I feel your sigh.
And I totally fucking care that you are HERE!hna

3:20 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Hi anonymous,
Thanks for your comment. My 2 cents are:

a) I don't think you are a controlling husband just because you like to read your wife's blog. If my husband had a blog, you better believe I'd be reading it. And, yes, I'd be reading it every day! It still amazes me that my husband doesn't read mine.

b)I personally felt that I needed my husband to know I had a blog (even if he doesn't read it) because I didn't want to have any "secrets" from him. However, that is not to say that I think all women should tell their husbands about their blogs. Every person is different and I don't judge anyone for keeping their blogs secret from their husbands. There are some situations where women need their own private place--even private from their husbands. It wasn't what I chose, but that is just me.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Knitting Maniac said...

Dude. That was a close call.

6:40 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Holy one thousand comments batman!

Anyhoooo....just a thought, maybe your Mum totally got it, and wished she had a place she could vent (in her own mummy way). Parents can surprise......Anne

7:10 PM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

rofl...my husband ALWAYS does stupid shit like that. Glad it blew over. I'm with you. My blog is a big-ass secret and I want to keep it that way!

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Yep, I'm with you. I let it slip once to my family that I had a blog, but no way will I let my parents or brother read it. It's my forum to bitch about them if need be. Fortunately, they have never asked... but if they did, you can bet I'd be inventing a "safe" fabricated blog.

I have just a couple of real-life friends that read the blog. And J, so no husband-bashing.

7:47 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Woman, do you realize I'm commenter #52?!?! Anyway, I'm with everyone else...WHEW!! And, please share all the dirty Ds about hubby's flogging.

8:43 PM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

HILARIOUS! My mom reads my blog...but she's great. It's MIL I want to bitch about. Good thing my hubby won't read mine either...

9:56 PM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

I have no anonymity, except for you kind fellow mommy bloggers. In a way, I guess it keeps me honest and prevents me from blogging things I live to regret (which sometimes happens anyway). Oh well.

5:14 AM  
Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

The only reason I don't let my husband read my blog is because he is hopeless paranoid that because he works for the city if I even curse in public it's somehow going to come back on him.

I never really expected anyone to read my blog I guess it never really seemed pertinent to let everyone know about it.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Oblivious Maven said...

I told a most of the family, both sides, about mine, everyone but my Mom. And that's just because if I say something racy or something, her reading it just gives me the creeps. The funny thing is, I'm out and about about it, and I don't think that they read it. They're used to me being a dork in real life, so why would they subject themselves to more torture? lol.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Catch said...

haha.....I have to laugh at the way you put things....very cute. Men..you cant trust them to keep their mouths shut.

6:07 PM  
Blogger K. said...

A big part of me knows what you mean.

3:58 AM  
Blogger Petite Mom Blogger said...

the hubs did something similar recently and some of those people are currently reading.
I was freaking even though I don't even talk bad about anyone.

7:26 AM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

I have exactly the same issues as you. I just don't want to have to answer all the questions that would arise from some of my blog posts. I mean, I still (at 45) get my mom saying "Did you lock your car doors? Are you sure?" so I don't even want to know what she would ask after me saying...oh you know. Any of the usual everyday calling myself a slut, a hellcat bitch and a Jezebel like I do on my blog...

7:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hide my blog from my family period.I am a female living with HIV and if my mother knew l was blogging about it or the rest of the family l would be toast.Never mind that that is my stress breaker and people learn something from my blog.

So keep writing and don't worry about what anyone else think's.

4:27 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Anonymous: thanks for your comment. I'm sure your blog IS a stress-reliever and support for others. You have every right to keep your blog as your own private space. Thanks for visiting here.

4:34 PM  

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