Hot Tot Toy Awards 2006

Several of you made a good point in your comments on my post yesterday. Mommy blogs don’t always have to be about the kid. They don't even have to mostly be about the kid. In fact, the more interesting mommy blogs probably regularly branch out past the details of Little Johnny's latest poop problems to reflect on deeper issues--issues of how motherhood shapes us, how we approach our spirituality , or how we work on our marriages.

And yet.

I still feel badly that Little Guy has taken a back seat on the blog lately so I’m letting him do a guest post today. He’s been begging to do this ever since he found out about my blog. So here we go. Be gentle with him. He’s only 13-months old, and he's new at this blogging thing.

Hot Tot Toy Awards 2006
A post by Little Guy

Now that I’m a one year old, I feel the need to let you mommies in on something--

You’re wasting your money.

On all those toys I mean. The Laugh and Learn Puppies, the peek-a-blocks...forget that stuff. Toys are for babies. We want the real deal. Stuff that can break. Stuff that can poison us if ingested in large quantities. Stuff that would cost you $50 or more to replace. Or even just random crap lying around the house that we see you using. That's the kinda stuff we want.

So in the name of all one-year-olds everywhere, I present to you my “Hot Tot Toy Awards” for 2006.

Nursing Bra. OK, so I’m still breastfeeding here and there. I can’t help it. I like boobs. Sue me. But, sometimes, when I can’t get my hands on a boob, a really nice nursing bra does the trick. Preferably with the scent of mama's milk. Mmmmmm. Tasty. And fun to chomp on. A lovely "hors d'oeuvres" before the main course if you will.





Electronic handheld devices. Phones, cell phones, PDAs, remote controls, and any other such gadget, preferably if it's expensive and has a light. And the cell phone? It better be a flip phone with a camera. Don't even try lobbing off your old cell phone on us. We know the difference.





Bulb Aspirator. Great as a teething device and really fun when mommies use them to blow air in our face. It tickles!




Shoes. Sure, we like them dirty, but we don’t know any better. Buy a couple of cheap shoes in your size, but don’t wear them. These shoes are for us. We like to chew on soles. Mmmm. Be sure to get something gummy. Flip flops do nicely.



Keys. Don’t bother giving us toy keys. We weren’t born yesterday. And if you pull out your keys for any reason, be prepared to have a back-up set ready to hand over to us. Or else.



Butt Paste (or anything in a tube.) Preferably something toxic. We like to live on the edge. Just be there to make sure we don't really eat it. Makes for a great distraction while changing our diapers.






Expensive, But Rarely Used Kitchenware: You know that fancy dancy egg poacher set you got from Williams-Sonoma? Just give it to your kid. Cuz you know you’re not using it to poach eggs. Anyone who says otherwise is lying or has a nanny or isn't spending enough time blogging.


Well, these are just a few of my favorites. I'm now taking honorable mentions. Anyone who'd like to submit a recommendation, please write to LittleGuy@nevergonnawean.com or post me a comment!