Monday, July 24, 2006

Hot Tot Toy Awards 2006

Several of you made a good point in your comments on my post yesterday. Mommy blogs don’t always have to be about the kid. They don't even have to mostly be about the kid. In fact, the more interesting mommy blogs probably regularly branch out past the details of Little Johnny's latest poop problems to reflect on deeper issues--issues of how motherhood shapes us, how we approach our spirituality , or how we work on our marriages.

And yet.

I still feel badly that Little Guy has taken a back seat on the blog lately so I’m letting him do a guest post today. He’s been begging to do this ever since he found out about my blog. So here we go. Be gentle with him. He’s only 13-months old, and he's new at this blogging thing.

Hot Tot Toy Awards 2006
A post by Little Guy

Now that I’m a one year old, I feel the need to let you mommies in on something--

You’re wasting your money.

On all those toys I mean. The Laugh and Learn Puppies, the peek-a-blocks...forget that stuff. Toys are for babies. We want the real deal. Stuff that can break. Stuff that can poison us if ingested in large quantities. Stuff that would cost you $50 or more to replace. Or even just random crap lying around the house that we see you using. That's the kinda stuff we want.

So in the name of all one-year-olds everywhere, I present to you my “Hot Tot Toy Awards” for 2006.

Nursing Bra. OK, so I’m still breastfeeding here and there. I can’t help it. I like boobs. Sue me. But, sometimes, when I can’t get my hands on a boob, a really nice nursing bra does the trick. Preferably with the scent of mama's milk. Mmmmmm. Tasty. And fun to chomp on. A lovely "hors d'oeuvres" before the main course if you will.





Electronic handheld devices. Phones, cell phones, PDAs, remote controls, and any other such gadget, preferably if it's expensive and has a light. And the cell phone? It better be a flip phone with a camera. Don't even try lobbing off your old cell phone on us. We know the difference.





Bulb Aspirator. Great as a teething device and really fun when mommies use them to blow air in our face. It tickles!




Shoes. Sure, we like them dirty, but we don’t know any better. Buy a couple of cheap shoes in your size, but don’t wear them. These shoes are for us. We like to chew on soles. Mmmm. Be sure to get something gummy. Flip flops do nicely.



Keys. Don’t bother giving us toy keys. We weren’t born yesterday. And if you pull out your keys for any reason, be prepared to have a back-up set ready to hand over to us. Or else.



Butt Paste (or anything in a tube.) Preferably something toxic. We like to live on the edge. Just be there to make sure we don't really eat it. Makes for a great distraction while changing our diapers.






Expensive, But Rarely Used Kitchenware: You know that fancy dancy egg poacher set you got from Williams-Sonoma? Just give it to your kid. Cuz you know you’re not using it to poach eggs. Anyone who says otherwise is lying or has a nanny or isn't spending enough time blogging.


Well, these are just a few of my favorites. I'm now taking honorable mentions. Anyone who'd like to submit a recommendation, please write to LittleGuy@nevergonnawean.com or post me a comment!

50 Comments:

Blogger Lindsay said...

HAHAHAHAAAAA! GREAT Post! I guess these are the fun things I can look forward to when my little guy gets older!

1:07 AM  
Blogger Knitting Maniac said...

Excellent list!

3:54 AM  
Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Bravo! The flair in his writing style. Perfect! *clapping hands*
He did forget the box that the big expensive toys come in. Who can resist a cardboard box?

5:11 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Great list.

Cakes wants to add tupperware.

5:12 AM  
Blogger Mega Mom said...

Money, money, money. How I love that beautiful clink. It is so fun when Mommy tries to squeeze my cheeks together to remove it from my mouth. It tastes to metally I just want to swallow it!

5:15 AM  
Blogger Mama of 2 said...

GREAT POST!!
Have a 13 month of my own I can relate to everything your Little Guy loves to play with. Hell he could have been talking about my Girlie Girlie. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in trying to keep all those wonderful "toys" out of the reach of her little hands.

5:19 AM  
Blogger FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

That is very true. We sometimes break our heads thinking of what to buy our little tykes to quiet them down then just to find out that he just gets contented even with the box and the wrapper alone.
Hi! I'm here from Dr. John.

5:52 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

LOl So true so true! My little one TOTALLY knows the differance between the old remote that we gave to her, and the real one....and the old cell phone we gave her and the real one. She grabs it, looks me right in the eye and throws it over her head. LOL And she's not even 10 months old yet. Nice right?

6:30 AM  
Blogger K. said...

Your blog is just SO REAL! And you manage to be funny as you tell the truth. How do you do it??

6:36 AM  
Blogger Damselfly said...

Hee hee, will a meat tenderizer or garlic mincer do? Just kidding.

6:38 AM  
Anonymous Moobs said...

I am torn between laughing some more; ticking you off for making me snort coffeee out of my nose and needing to find out what the heck "butt paste" is.

7:08 AM  
Blogger me said...

toys alrady owned by older brothers that are way too samll for me carelessly left not "up high". preferably mini skateboard wheels that will get stuck in my nose, or legos that you need to watch my diaper for, and the ever popular wheel that fell off a hot wheels car. they fit just inside your ear so mommy can't ever remove them.

7:12 AM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

That was fantastic! I thought my daughter was never gonna wean too. It happens. Eventually.
My kids loved to search and chew on lint in the carpet. Never had to vacuum...ick

7:49 AM  
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

Brilliant. I loved his post...he should have his own blog. This list was exactly what my son loved .. and the packaging of just about anything.

7:51 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Hey, Little Guy, it's Gabe from Little Bald Doctors. I've hijacked my Mama's blogger account to tell you that the BEST TOY EVER is a screwdriver. No matter how many times Mama moves it, no matter how many times she hides it, I find it. I've dragged chairs over to counters to reach higher for it. I've managed to open drawers that are too high for me to reach in. The trick is to open the drawer, then drag a scooter she THOUGHT I would play with over and stand on that. It's better if the scooter has wheels, too, so when she catches me, she gets that heart-in-the-throat thing, where she yells and then gives me a hug and says she loves me and doesn't want me hurt. That's the best way to get in trouble, the yell then hug. I'm even getting to where I don't cry at the yell anymore.

And then once I get the screwdriver, I like to drag it across freshly painted walls and leave white streaks. I've also stuck it in those holes in the wall where the cords usually go while she had them temporarily uncovered while she was painting. She really didn't like that, and yelled at me bad, didn't give me a hug, yanked the fun screwdriver away and sent me to my room. I cried then, but then fell asleep and woke up with more energy than ever to find that cool toy that I'm not supposed to have. I'm tellin' ya, the screwdriver is where it's at, though she put those stupid white drawer stoppers on the one with the screwdriver in it, so now my quest is to find something I can use to stick in the drawer and fish the screwdriver out the tiny opening. It's a work in progress.

*Mama in the background shuddering and twitching in fear for what her little boy will try next*

7:54 AM  
Anonymous starbender said...

Ha!
Such a little cutie,
and a great post!!!
:]

8:00 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Oh wow, I love all of these honorable mentions. We've got:

--boxes that big expensive toys come in (how could I forget)

--tupperware (another classic)

--money (oh, how I love to play with choking hazards)

--meat tenderizer and garlic mincer (can't WAIT to try those out)

--carpet lint (another great hors d'oeuvres!)

--mini skateboard wheels

--screwdriver (you said freshly painted walls right? Oooh, sounds SO fun.)

P.S. Moobs: Butt paste is like Desitin only thicker in consistency and with a really cool name and label and stuff.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

Greatist...
Brought me back...
Tupperware...
Pots and pans with a wooden spoon...
Going into the cubboards... and my 'favourite'
My smelly old leather wallet...
Loved it for teething and getting the leather all soggy...
Hmmmmm Hmmmm Goooood

8:48 AM  
Blogger Tasha said...

What a cute post. I let Alanna sit on my lap when I am typing. She LOVES to pound on the keyboard of the computer. I also give her a bowl and a spoon in her highchair, while I am cooking. It keeps her entertained for hours.
*Little guy is so smart to state the obvious*

9:36 AM  
Anonymous Poopydigs said...

This is SOOO true. I can't even express how true this is. Ella is always munching on all of these things (flip flops included). And, she seems to know the difference btw her cinderella phone and my nokia. Gots to have the real deal!

9:37 AM  
Blogger sunshinedaily4me_wuz_here said...

Freakin Hilarious Post. Your baby is so talented and such a great writer. He must take after his mommy. And Andrea's coment was equally funny! Good stuff!

9:40 AM  
Blogger Nikkie said...

That list is just hilarious! I'm glad to know that my little guy isn't the only one who likes to get a hold of kitchen ware and the more expensive electronic devices!

10:07 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

I think i play with toys more than they do.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Great Day said...

I can never keep my flip flops out of Katy's mouth! So, so true!

Love the list little guy, can't wait for the nest installment!

10:19 AM  
Blogger lildb said...

C, seriously - how does one cease with the bfing? I'm going nuts. If BabyofftheRecord could give me some tips, I'd be oh so grateful.

xoxo

p.s. my son wants me to be sure and send a hello from him. he just swatted me on the thigh with a storage container to ensure that I wouldn't forget. pleasant fellow, non?

10:24 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

We have that exact egg poacher. I got it becuase my husband likes Eggs Benedict. We made Eggs Benedict once. Thanks for letting me know what I can do with the damn thing now.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Babaloo said...

Aaaaaah, that really brings me back! Baby Off The Record sure knows his stuff!

11:37 AM  
Blogger kim said...

that was hilarious!! thanks i needed the laughs :)

12:56 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

That is so true. Leah has a thing for my keys. She always asks for them and kisses my Clay Aiken (yes, Clay Aiken!) keychain. LOL.

1:11 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

what--your kid can *write*??? clearly i have not been exposing mine to enough baby eistein, because mine's nearly 4 and he can barely get through Great Expectations.

i would add handfuls of dog hair or cat fur to the list too.

1:17 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Kristen: Clay Aiken? Really? That's OK. I still love ya. :)

Ginajoy: Oh, yeah. The dog hair! Ugh, how could I forget. I just know that one day Little Guy's going to cough up a hairball. I am totally prepared to turn myself in to CPS when that happens.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

Don't bother putting presents IN the box, just give me the box...

3:58 PM  
Blogger Mama Duck said...

Ha ha ha, my little guy is never going to wean either. He destroyed TWO of our cell phones, 5 computer keyboards, 2 computer mice (mouses?), and my current keyboard is wireless, lives near my ceiling, and is liberally decorated with baby scribblings from an ink pen.

His favorite toy right now is a mag-lite..... hee hee.

4:02 PM  
Anonymous Missi said...

OMG, that is sooo true!! My youngest (who just turned 15 mo) insists on the same things! She also has a desire for the remote control with batteries please. We tried to appease her sans batteries but it was a no go. Tv is also a great entertainer. She loves to push on and off the button and up and down the volume and change the channel during the most important (House, hello??) show!!

We mom's are wasting our time with the cutesy toys. They must be more for us than them.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Lotta said...

Great post! So true, so true.

5:40 PM  
Blogger bubandpie said...

Nasal aspirator, remote control, and oh the kitchen appliances! I let the Pie bang happily away on even my two most-used appliances - the rice cooker and the crock pot (nice glass lids on those ones - fun for babies!).

Brilliant post!

6:48 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Yes, yes, yes, YES! My remote is now duck taped and my husband's keys are chewed. Peek-a-blocks make good weapons, but only to throw at expensive, breakable stuff.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Oblivious Maven said...

Dear Baby,

My older brother says that when he was your age, banging Calphalon pans on the tile chips the tile. It's nice when Mommy loves you anyway.

Signed,
Mr. Baby

7:15 PM  
Blogger J's Mommy said...

love the e-mail address!!!

7:16 PM  
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

You know, not to worry you or anything, but both of my boys weaned at 21 months and one of them is STILL obsessed... I mean OBSESSED with my boobs at age 3.

I would worry, but I'm not always sure which one I should be worried about. ;)

11:27 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

Good job little guy, expecially with the butt paste (or anything in a tube) and nasal aspirator! You hit the nail on the head with those mentions!!! Now, about that nursing bra . . . :0)

Carrie

1:29 AM  
Blogger Mamacita Tina said...

Paper towel tubes...hours of fun.

6:13 AM  
Blogger virtualsprite said...

Oh... how true. I'm still laughing!

7:10 AM  
Blogger ~d said...

Holla for boudreaux's!
WOO!

The dr. dude is from Covington, LA which is spitting distance from me!

Umm, the bulb thing-gosh I used to LOVE using those things to clean out the nose!
Wish I had a big one for my whole head-too filled right now.
TMI? Sorry.

8:44 AM  
Blogger mrsmogul said...

How about these?

Picking Lint off the carpet as a fun past time and crunching paper bags!

de

11:07 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

He's quite a writer, your little man. And maybe someday will be quite the chef too?

2:19 PM  
Blogger Catch said...

I LOVE IT!!!!! SO FUNNY!!!!

3:07 PM  
Blogger Tracie said...

Too True!!

very impressive-I enjoyed his use of pictures to help express his ideas-a little genius if I ever saw one! :)

9:52 PM  
Blogger hardasabullet said...

kunice blog u got here

10:34 PM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

Oh, the butt paste...How hailey loves to try to put the whole tube in her mouth before I can stop her.

So glad I'm not alone.

3:38 AM  

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