Thursday, July 19, 2007

Oh Husband, What Will I Ever Do With You?

So, as part of the hypnobabies program that I am studying, I am supposed to write down all of my fears about childbirth and then listen to a "fear release" CD that is supposed to help de-program my fears so that I can relax and have a more comfortable birth experience.

Husband is supposed to do this as well - that is, write down his fears and listen to the CD.

A few nights ago, I told him that it was time for us to do this part of the program. He didn't want to write down his fears so we just decided we would discuss them together.

I have so many fears, I didn't know where to start. Like here are a few off the top of my head:

--I fear that when the baby comes out, it will again feel like someone took a large knife and cut my vagina open. Ouch-y.

--I fear that if I get an epidural, it won't work (again), but I'll still have nurses trying to tell me that I'm getting pain relief and I won't be able to convince them that IT FUCKING HURTS LIKE A MO-FO and I'm not getting any stinkin' relief.

--I fear that this whole hypnosis thing won't even work.

--I fear that my doctor won't know how to properly stitch me up and I'll end up with pain "down there" for 8 long weeks.

Yeah, so, with about 200 more fears besides these, I figured maybe it would better if Husband went first. I asked him and he agreed.

"So, what is one of your fears?" I asked.

I expected him to say something like, "Not knowing how to help you in labor" or "Finding out something is wrong with the baby" or something that had something remotely to do with... oh I dunno.... childbirth.

But here is what he said:

"I have this fear that I won't be able to hit my golf shot at the course this weekend the way I've been practicing it."

And he was dead serious.

(Since it was too hard to body slam him in my pregnant state, I have yet to figure out what a fitting punishment should be for this. Any ideas, let me know.)

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Blogger Pumpkin said...

So NOT what you want to hear when you're this close to the event and have memories of the first time huh???
Awww sweetie, that man just does not learn huh? Lol....why not ask one of your friends who live close by if they will body slam him for you, whilst you sit with some popcorn and enjoy the
If it's of any help at all, having gotton to know you a little through your blog, I reckon that you're a strong woman who can cope with just about anything (incl asinine comments from dearest husband lol) and you know what to expect this time round so are prepared for any eventuality and none can come as a surprise! This birth is going to be so much better than the last one that you'll breeze through it hunny.
I'm talking to the cosmos right now, trying to work out a deal where you get to pass any pain you get onto some of the trully evil people........they're getting back to me on that one. xx

1:17 AM  
Blogger The Farmers Wife said...

oh man. What is it with men huh? After the birth of ours he was more worried about going and turning his phone on in case he had missed any important calls than he was about spending any quality time with the two of us...

I don't think they do it to me cruel, they just really don't get 'it'.

A sharp smack around the head with one of his golf clubs might help a bit though ;)

2:52 AM  
Blogger ~JJ! said...

That is so something my husband would say...but he is so sarcastic it would sound too real...And I would punch him. Hard.

He better get crackin' on his list...

4:49 AM  
Blogger kgirl said...

I'm sorry I'm laughing!

I think you'll do great. My cousin is a hypnobirthing instructor, and she said signing up for the course alone offers the client about a 50% 'success' rate (success being whatever you deem it to be) - it's all about trusting yourself and relaxing.
I did it with no drugs at home, and I needed an episiotomy by the very end. All I can say is that, at that point YOU DON'T CARE!!

5:02 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Hahahaha! MEN! Do you know that after BubTar's birth Josh said (at dinner with his family) "Yeah, I think that whole birth thing was JUST AS HARD FOR ME as it was for Kyla." I think everyone woman in the restaurant turned to give him the evil, what-did-you-just-say look.

6:06 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Oh brother! I think your hubby should get the "prize" for THAT comment, Kyla. LOL.


6:36 AM  
Anonymous Andrea said...

Dude, I say you use one of his golf clubs on him as a catheter and then yank it out sans pain medicine.

Then ask him about his fears of the delivery of your second born. Maybe he'll get the point?

Or maybe I'm just mean like that.

8:51 AM  
Anonymous andi said...

Wow. I would have been so blinded by rage I may have punched him out of sheer reflex. I have no idea what a fitting punishment would be - perhaps withholding sex for about a year after the child is born? Or is that too harsh? Perhaps that would affect his golf game?

10:29 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

I think that's grounds for justifiable homicide right there.

11:12 AM  
Blogger myminivanisfasterthanyours said...

Yeah, I have to go with the lady who suggested the justifiable homicide. Unless of course he's good about watching your son so you can have time alone. If so, just kick him, if not, go for the kill :-).

OMG if my husband saw this comment of mine he'd probably be sleeping with his eyes wide open tonight!

11:48 AM  
Blogger carrie said...

Doh! NOT the right answer.

I predict that you won't even need to use your new "hypnobirthing" skills . . . the labor will be so fast, and painless and the baby will be born without the need of an episiotomy and you will run a marathon the next day! Yup, I am sure of this.

Heck, I remember when my 2nd was born, I was so grateful just to be able to STAND UP immediately following his birth.

Hang in there -

12:04 PM  
Blogger Damselfly said...

Well, you could give him a worse fear: that he won't be able to golf right after the baby comes because he'll be too busy feeding the little person and giving you foot massages!

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Karly said...

I'm not pregnant...I could totally body slam him for you. ;)

1:58 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Make him watch the birth, close up.

that'll teach him

2:54 PM  
Anonymous Momish said...

No way! They are something aren't they? That is something so typical my husband would say. I learned my lesson a long time ago and now keep him out of anything that revolves around emotions. Otherwise, my emotions would go bizerk and he would get physically hurt!

I say you steal his golf balls!

5:38 PM  
Blogger Heidi said...

Oh, why are they like that!!!! My hubby might say something like that too.... ugh!!!

8:32 PM  
Blogger Major Bedhead said...

Oh my god. He's lucky he's not dead!

Sadly, that so sounds like something my husband would say, too.

9:12 PM  
Blogger Mary Tsao said...

I've always wanted to try hypnobirthing. I hope it works for you as well as some stories I've read.

Good luck!

10:18 PM  
Blogger amaras_mom said...

My jaw hit the floor reading that! I didn't think body slam, but I did think -- "Honey, what was that you asked? Where are your golf clubs? Hmmm, I have no idea!"

5:45 AM  
Blogger Jodi said...

Tell him he will NEVER have sex again unless he comes up with a legit fear that has to do with you giving birth any second. I'll bet THAT would get his attention! :)

I think you'll do just fine during this delivery. Knowing what to expect and being prepared are 9/10 of the battle I think and you are VERY prepared. You are are going to do just awesome!!!!

6:28 PM  
Blogger Slackermommy said...

That is so something my hubby would say!It's always about them. Isn't it? Withholding sex always works at my house.

9:14 PM  
Blogger IngeniousRose said...

You could practice your own golf swings around the house I suppose and let out some frustration, maybe accidently bend a few of his best clubs. I've heard pregnancy successfully used as a defence before in a court of law! You could get away with anything in your current state, although that's probably not very helpful!

1:47 PM  
Blogger jen said...

oh, you know...just WOW.

9:36 AM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

I was reading the other day about childbirth acupressure. Supposedly, you can quell a lot of the pain by putting pressure these certain spots. Could be hooey but maybe it's worth looking into, you know, as a back-up plan :)

10:55 AM  
Blogger said...

If only women could be men.

That is my severely edited response.

Even after 3 natural births, two that were water birts at home (yes, I know how you feel about this), I was scared to have my fourth. I opted for an epi as early as possible. I was tubed up everywhere and it really lengthened my labour. It was exactly the experience I didn't want with my first but just what I needed for my last.

Not to belittle your pain, but I hurt for one year after my first, because of the stitches. Avoid stitches at all costs, unless you're gushing blood, because it's impossible for stitches to allow you to go back to the way you were before. A single stitch displaces even a small amount of tissue and it can take sooo long to feel normal.

I recommend Birthing from Within as a book to read. Also, if you can labour in a tub of hot water at all, it helps immensely.

9:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh! Are all american women so damn stupid? I am really sick from reading this crap. Holy eternal glory to all the exceptions. Luckily I know many inteligent women, but obviously they do not scribe to stupid bloggs like this 1. I wish you best luck in search for a more effective brain like that one which stoped working decades ago. I've got to thank God my partner and mother of my beautifull child is far heavens away from you. CONDOLENCES LADIES

3:21 PM  
Blogger JaniceNW said...

Self medicated perhaps?

10:46 PM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Ya, that's not even close to what you wanted to hear from him. Men are clueless sometimes. Or, perhaps he was too scared to really tell you his fears? No, I'll go with the clueless idea.

My husband slept on a cot next to me while I was in the hospital in labor. Then the next day he wanted to go home because he was "bored" at the hospital. Never mind the fact that I was at that point a new mother of three, and desperately needed that extra day in the hospital to relax. Nooo... we had to leave less than 24 hours after giving birth so he could sleep comfortably in his own bed.


10:36 PM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

Um, Hello? Anonymous? You're right. And your brilliance shines through in your mastery of the English language.

Your spelling errors do indeed illustrate your point and lend credibility (and that would be NO) to you.

3:31 PM  

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