Oh Husband, What Will I Ever Do With You?

So, as part of the hypnobabies program that I am studying, I am supposed to write down all of my fears about childbirth and then listen to a "fear release" CD that is supposed to help de-program my fears so that I can relax and have a more comfortable birth experience.

Husband is supposed to do this as well - that is, write down his fears and listen to the CD.

A few nights ago, I told him that it was time for us to do this part of the program. He didn't want to write down his fears so we just decided we would discuss them together.

I have so many fears, I didn't know where to start. Like here are a few off the top of my head:

--I fear that when the baby comes out, it will again feel like someone took a large knife and cut my vagina open. Ouch-y.

--I fear that if I get an epidural, it won't work (again), but I'll still have nurses trying to tell me that I'm getting pain relief and I won't be able to convince them that IT FUCKING HURTS LIKE A MO-FO and I'm not getting any stinkin' relief.

--I fear that this whole hypnosis thing won't even work.

--I fear that my doctor won't know how to properly stitch me up and I'll end up with pain "down there" for 8 long weeks.

Yeah, so, with about 200 more fears besides these, I figured maybe it would better if Husband went first. I asked him and he agreed.

"So, what is one of your fears?" I asked.

I expected him to say something like, "Not knowing how to help you in labor" or "Finding out something is wrong with the baby" or something that had something remotely to do with... oh I dunno.... childbirth.

But here is what he said:

"I have this fear that I won't be able to hit my golf shot at the course this weekend the way I've been practicing it."

And he was dead serious.

(Since it was too hard to body slam him in my pregnant state, I have yet to figure out what a fitting punishment should be for this. Any ideas, let me know.)




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New at the Review Blog: I've found the most fabulously luxurious bamboo towels. And they're environmentally friendly too!

I've Got Nothing Against the Virgin Mary: Just Don't Put Her on a Hat

Now, I am not one to begrudge anyone for having a picture of the Virgin Mary in their home. I come from a Catholic family. Growing up, my relatives had pictures of Jesus all over their house. My grandmother kept holy water in little plastic Virgin Mary bottles in her dresser drawer. I'm used to seeing this stuff. And it's all good with me.

Unless...

it's on tacky clothing or a tattoo. That's where I draw the line.

I just don't think that's cool. I don't want to see Jesus's mother on the forearm of some dude scanning my groceries at the market, you know? Nor do I want to see it on a t-shirt. I don't know why, but I just find it tasteless.

And yet, for some reason Husband (who normally has a conservative sense of style, shops at Nordstrom, and owns more shoes than I do) happens to think that clothing and accessories with the Virgin Mary on them are "cool".

Lest you think I jest, let me show you what he brought home last night from the local Stop and Rob.



















After showing it to me, he put it on, and sliding his fingers over the brim, actually said: "Now this is style. I'm gonna pop it out by wearing it with a pink shirt."

And he was not joking.

Lord, help me.


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I've got a new post up at Mama Likes. Click here to read my review of the Rolling Stones Biggest Bang DVD Set.

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Random Question: Is anyone having trouble loading my blog by any chance? Janet e-mailed me to say she was having difficulty. She's on Firefox. Just wondering if others are having issues with their browsers. And on that note, does it take forever for my blog to load for you? I'm wondering if my page is too graphic heavy.

Elmo May Very Well Ruin My Marriage

Earlier this morning as we are getting ready for work.

Husband (singing): La la, la la, la la la la Elmo’s World! La la, la la, la la la la Elmo’s World!

Me: Can you please stop singing that? It’s really annoying.

Husband: Elmo loves his goldfish, his crayons too! That’s Elmo’s…

Me: I said STOP!

Husband: …..that’s Elmo’s WOOORRLLD!

Me: Do you WANT me to kill you? STOP!

Husband (humming Elmo’s World Theme Song): nu-nu-nunu, nu-nu-nunu nuh nuh nuh

Me: I don’t want you to HUM it either! I’m serious!!!

Husband: What? I’m just singing. Gosh.

Pause

Husband: Elmo loves his goldfish….

Me: STOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*silence*

*more silence*

Husband (whistling Elmo’s World Theme Song): fee fee fe fee, fee fee fe fee, fee fee fee! fee fee fe fee, fee fee fe fee, fee fee fee!

I swear this man lives to torture me. Who amongst you would blame me for killing him? Seriously.

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THANK YOU, thank you, thank you to everyone who voted for me yesterday. Because of you, I’m actually in the running for this! If you haven’t voted yet and have a few secs to spare, please go here and click on the "love it" button! (See, I'm not above begging when it comes to winning a bunch of free stuff. Pathetic, eh?) If you have no idea what the heck I'm talking about, refer to my previous post...but beware of the cankles.