Wednesday, February 04, 2009

This is hard

Being a parent is officially hard.

What? It's not all going to be easy? It's not going to be baby book, Picture People perfect? But that's what I want. That's what I signed up for. I didn't sign up for the hard stuff. No, correction. I signed up for it. I just didn't realize what I signed up for. And now I don't know if I can do it. I mean, I CAN do some things. I can do midnight feedings and colic that ends in 4.5 months and broken legs and tantrums and even back-to-back episodes on Cartoon Network. I can DO those things.

What I can't do is this other stuff. This pleading, begging, praying to GOD every day for my son to come out of this thing he's in. This thing that makes him not let himself poop. WHY won't he do it? WHY?? This is certainly a form of hell and I just have to figure out how we got here. Maybe then I can figure out how we can get out. The pediatric psychiatrist says "Don't catastrophize the future." Yeah. Easy for you to say. Have you read the message boards? The places were desperate parents are hanging out trying to figure it out like we are? Their children are 6, 8, 12, and older. They are STILL trying to figure it out. They're still going crazy, living in their own hell. But who knows, maybe it will get better right? Maybe. Or maybe in 100, 200, 400 days I will still be pleading, begging, bribing, praying to GOD every night for my son to poop....please it's been 3, 5, 7, 8, 9 days, please just poop. And then, as usual, prayers don't do the trick and it's a slow, horrible process to get it out by other means. And after a year, it's not gotten better. It's only getting worse.

Self-pity is a horrible thing. It makes you feel even more awful about yourself for pitying yourself and you end up in this weird paradoxical box that you can't get out of. That is where I am.

I think the definition of a horrible mother must be the one that pities herself when her own child is suffering. Yep, that's me. Mother's Day be damned. That's for mothers who get it right. I thought I was getting it right. Just read through the archives of my blog. I was happy. We were happy. Now our family is hanging on by a thread. Precarious. Scared. UNhappy. How did we get here? Delving into that would take too much energy today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

17 Comments:

Blogger Amanda said...

(((HUGS))) I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, so I offer you hugs.

5:15 PM  
Blogger divrchk said...

I am so sorry. We had a glimpse of what you're going through but my son chose the path to poop. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I hope that your son comes to another fork in the road and he also chooses poop.

6:21 PM  
Blogger Feener said...

i too am in that hell. don't beat yourself up.

6:23 PM  
Anonymous Shutter Bitch said...

Listen, you are not a bad mother. You're dealing with a complete unknown and you're having to teach yourself how to deal with it so that you can help Little Guy through it. You have to shut down your own emotions in front of him so that he doesn't freak out too much over the whole situation and it gets worse. So you know what? When you have the chance to cry and aren't worried about it affecting him, cry. When you have the chance to wallow a little bit that the happy you once had isn't there anymore, wallow for a while. When you have the chance to let out a giant stress relieving scream, scream your fool head off.

Then pull up your big girl britches and say hey, this is hard, and I needed a moment to let my own emotions through, and now, I'm good for awhile so I can focus once again on getting Little Guy through this. You are allowed to FEEL through this ordeal, and the situation SUCKS so you're not exactly going to be feeling all roses and daisies about it. The key is to give yourself the chance to feel it, and then take a breath and move on. It is what it is. You're strong enough. But not if you don't allow yourself a little room to breathe.

You'll find your happy again. I know it. And you're doing the best you can. You're a good advocate for Little Guy, and you'll get through.

6:35 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I like the last person's advice (shutter bitch). You are being really hard on yourself, and I imagine one of the really hard things is that you can't let your guard down in front of him. I agree that you do need a really good outlet and that it's ok to grieve that happy/easy times are suspended now for a while. I wish I had more advice. Have you checked w/ another psychiatrist to see if he/she has something different to add? I'll be praying for you. Love ya.
Andrea

12:43 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

It is hard. Yup, yup.

Parenthood doesn't mean you leave your personhood behind. You are allowed to admit it is hard on you, too.

7:01 PM  
Anonymous Maggy said...

I finally broke down and started Miralax with my almost 4 year old. I work in pediatrics, so I know how bad constipation/withholding can get. I kept thinking, "It's not that bad." Except that it is.
What you are doing is hard. It's hard to act upbeat and positive and praise every small potty-related action, especially when you've been doing it. (It's been a year here, too.)
I think the message boards are skewed to the families who are most frustrated and have been dealing with this the longest. The families who are no longer dealing with it aren't on the message boards anymore. Does that make sense?

12:09 AM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Maggy - exactly. It's so hard to act upbeat about every little success only to be devastated the next day when he starts holding again. I also broke down and put my son on Miralax. He's been on for a couple of months. It doesn't solve anything for us. He still holds it in. When it's been several days, we up his Miralax dosage to a capful/day and he just has "accidents" all day long for several days.

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this as well. Have you heard of the Soiling Solutions Program? I think we may try it.

7:42 AM  
Anonymous SparkleFrog said...

My friend is going through something like this but she hasn't provided the details that you are sharing. I am going to send your link her way. good luck, I hope it gets easier.

8:06 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Just stumbled onto your blog and this post really caught my eye. My son didn't start potty training until he was about 3 1/2 and did the pee thing just fine. But poop... on that was dangerous territory. He was holding it and holding it and WOULD NOT GO on the potty or otherwise. We did the enimas, which he hated and SCREAMED bloody muder thru. After talking to his dr, we started him on miralax and that seemed to help, only it made things just runny. Then his dr told me some advice that saved our lives. Told me to tell my son that he could go poop in his diaper. And that when HE was ready, we'd learn how to poop on the potty. For about 3 months he would ask for a diaper when he had to go poop. Then one day, he just decided he would go on the potty. He was 4 yrs and 3 months when this happened. He's almost 5 now and still has some difficulty just going when the feeling hits. Sometime he has that feeling for a day before he can go, and he'll sit for half an hour or more before he goes, but he does go. It just takes time and unfortunately for us, they aren' going by our time line. Patience. It's hard, but he'll get it. It just has to be his idea and in his time.

8:24 PM  
Anonymous Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

A friend of mine had this happen with her son. I am so sorry, it's such a difficult thing to deal with for both mom and child. I hope that he opts to poop - and poop often - soon!

4:12 PM  
Anonymous saksham said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

12:41 AM  
Anonymous TODDLERS said...

self pity is not good for me, I will just get discourage more and may affect my children much

4:53 AM  
Anonymous Best Zhu Zhu Hamsters said...

I have stumbled upon your blog and have enjoyed reading through it. You should be proud of your blog. I am sorry to hear of your situation and hope that it has become better over time.

11:39 AM  
Anonymous Heather said...

I think what Kristin said was great. Make it your little ones idea. They can use the diaper until they're ready for the potty. I hope you keep us posted as tohow it goes!

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't have a "little one" I have a big almost 8 yr old & soils herself 1-4 times a day. One dr told us to get strict w/ her, a shrink said she'd outgrow it. It's effected our daily routines to planning vacations. It's effected her younger sibs & I think her personality & having this hanging over her all her life. It's hard not to ask why or for her to put some effort into it. We think she doesn't wanto fix it or she'd try to sit when we ask or battle. School starts next week & I curse the day she gets off that bus crying bec someone was teasing her & calling her names. We now tell her she'll outgrow it but we're looking @ the clean kid manual & the bottom up version. Miralax is only reaching the top GI & causes leakage. It's one of a few things left to try.
I feel your pain & frustration. Am I causing her damage? Now &/or in the future? I wish there was more info out there for us parents feeling so lost & in the dark.

9:51 PM  
Anonymous |Julia said...

do not give up & keep the faith !!

5:02 AM  

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