Oh Husband, What Will I Ever Do With You?

So, as part of the hypnobabies program that I am studying, I am supposed to write down all of my fears about childbirth and then listen to a "fear release" CD that is supposed to help de-program my fears so that I can relax and have a more comfortable birth experience.

Husband is supposed to do this as well - that is, write down his fears and listen to the CD.

A few nights ago, I told him that it was time for us to do this part of the program. He didn't want to write down his fears so we just decided we would discuss them together.

I have so many fears, I didn't know where to start. Like here are a few off the top of my head:

--I fear that when the baby comes out, it will again feel like someone took a large knife and cut my vagina open. Ouch-y.

--I fear that if I get an epidural, it won't work (again), but I'll still have nurses trying to tell me that I'm getting pain relief and I won't be able to convince them that IT FUCKING HURTS LIKE A MO-FO and I'm not getting any stinkin' relief.

--I fear that this whole hypnosis thing won't even work.

--I fear that my doctor won't know how to properly stitch me up and I'll end up with pain "down there" for 8 long weeks.

Yeah, so, with about 200 more fears besides these, I figured maybe it would better if Husband went first. I asked him and he agreed.

"So, what is one of your fears?" I asked.

I expected him to say something like, "Not knowing how to help you in labor" or "Finding out something is wrong with the baby" or something that had something remotely to do with... oh I dunno.... childbirth.

But here is what he said:

"I have this fear that I won't be able to hit my golf shot at the course this weekend the way I've been practicing it."

And he was dead serious.

(Since it was too hard to body slam him in my pregnant state, I have yet to figure out what a fitting punishment should be for this. Any ideas, let me know.)




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Elmo May Very Well Ruin My Marriage

Earlier this morning as we are getting ready for work.

Husband (singing): La la, la la, la la la la Elmo’s World! La la, la la, la la la la Elmo’s World!

Me: Can you please stop singing that? It’s really annoying.

Husband: Elmo loves his goldfish, his crayons too! That’s Elmo’s…

Me: I said STOP!

Husband: …..that’s Elmo’s WOOORRLLD!

Me: Do you WANT me to kill you? STOP!

Husband (humming Elmo’s World Theme Song): nu-nu-nunu, nu-nu-nunu nuh nuh nuh

Me: I don’t want you to HUM it either! I’m serious!!!

Husband: What? I’m just singing. Gosh.

Pause

Husband: Elmo loves his goldfish….

Me: STOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*silence*

*more silence*

Husband (whistling Elmo’s World Theme Song): fee fee fe fee, fee fee fe fee, fee fee fee! fee fee fe fee, fee fee fe fee, fee fee fee!

I swear this man lives to torture me. Who amongst you would blame me for killing him? Seriously.

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