We're Having a....!

When you were pregnant, did people often ask you what you hoped to have - a boy or a girl? It seems like I got asked that question all the time early in this pregnancy. Those who knew that I already have a son, usually assumed I was hoping for a girl.

When asked, I typically delivered the following politically-correct response: "Well, as long as the baby is healthy, that's all that really matters."

I've heard many pregnant moms say the same thing. It's kind of like a non-answer really. Something you say so you don't really have to answer the question.

But how important is having a girl or a boy to us really? I think the answer totally depends on the person. Some people probably really don't care either way. But I would guess that the majority of people really do hope for one or the other gender.

Prior to finding out the gender of this baby two months ago, I told myself that if it turned out to be a boy that would be OK with me. I tried not to think about it too much, but as the date for the ultrasound got closer, I began to get nervous. I had been sick with morning sickness since my 5th week of pregnancy and I knew that I didn't want to go through another pregnancy. But if I were having another boy, could I stop having children, never having had a daughter? I have two brothers, but no sisters and no close female cousins. Having a daughter is something I have always wanted.

On the date of the ultrasound, Husband and I were happy to find out that the baby looked healthy. We breathed a sigh of relief, as this truly is the most important issue to us. Obviously.

Then, the tech asked us if we wanted to know the baby's sex.

"Yes, we would." I said.

I expected it to take a while for her to find the right angle to expose the goods, but she panned to it right away.

"What does that look like to you," she asked, pointing at the screen.

"A penis?" I said.

"Yep, that's a penis alright. You're having a boy!"

I have to tell you that my reaction to this news shocked even myself. I had to fight back tears. I hadn't realized until that moment how much I really wanted a girl. It was a purely a selfish feeling, but you can't really tell your feelings what to feel, can you? And I was feeling really disappointed.

The sensible side of me knows that I could get reamed for even writing this post. There are women who struggle to have children, for example, who would likely be inflamed by reading this. And honestly, I think I'm pretty shitty for feeling this way too. I should be happy that I'm having a healthy baby and just shut my trap.

However, since this is Mommy off the Record, I'm not going to lie. I felt like crap upon hearing this news. And the feeling didn't leave me for a little while. It was almost like I was mourning the daughter that I had hoped for deep down.

Now, having had a couple months for this to sink in, I realize that having another boy will be special in many ways that having a girl wouldn't. In particular, I am happy that Little Guy will have a partner in crime - for life - who will be close to him in age, who can share the sandbox as a toddler, share his secrets as a grade-schooler, and hopefully have a close relationship as an adult. I look forward to helping them foster this friendship. Since I never had a sister, I always thought that having a sibiling of the same sex would have been wonderful.

So I am happy that I'm having a boy. I really am. I can't wait to see how these two little boys play and grow together.

But I still do want to have a daughter someday. I might even have to try one more time to see what happens. And if it's a boy again, I'll probably fight back tears again and then realize again that I'm a lucky lady to have all these wonderful men in my life. And I'll move on. And hell, maybe I'll even start a baseball team.