Monday, June 04, 2007

We're Having a....!

When you were pregnant, did people often ask you what you hoped to have - a boy or a girl? It seems like I got asked that question all the time early in this pregnancy. Those who knew that I already have a son, usually assumed I was hoping for a girl.

When asked, I typically delivered the following politically-correct response: "Well, as long as the baby is healthy, that's all that really matters."

I've heard many pregnant moms say the same thing. It's kind of like a non-answer really. Something you say so you don't really have to answer the question.

But how important is having a girl or a boy to us really? I think the answer totally depends on the person. Some people probably really don't care either way. But I would guess that the majority of people really do hope for one or the other gender.

Prior to finding out the gender of this baby two months ago, I told myself that if it turned out to be a boy that would be OK with me. I tried not to think about it too much, but as the date for the ultrasound got closer, I began to get nervous. I had been sick with morning sickness since my 5th week of pregnancy and I knew that I didn't want to go through another pregnancy. But if I were having another boy, could I stop having children, never having had a daughter? I have two brothers, but no sisters and no close female cousins. Having a daughter is something I have always wanted.

On the date of the ultrasound, Husband and I were happy to find out that the baby looked healthy. We breathed a sigh of relief, as this truly is the most important issue to us. Obviously.

Then, the tech asked us if we wanted to know the baby's sex.

"Yes, we would." I said.

I expected it to take a while for her to find the right angle to expose the goods, but she panned to it right away.

"What does that look like to you," she asked, pointing at the screen.

"A penis?" I said.

"Yep, that's a penis alright. You're having a boy!"

I have to tell you that my reaction to this news shocked even myself. I had to fight back tears. I hadn't realized until that moment how much I really wanted a girl. It was a purely a selfish feeling, but you can't really tell your feelings what to feel, can you? And I was feeling really disappointed.

The sensible side of me knows that I could get reamed for even writing this post. There are women who struggle to have children, for example, who would likely be inflamed by reading this. And honestly, I think I'm pretty shitty for feeling this way too. I should be happy that I'm having a healthy baby and just shut my trap.

However, since this is Mommy off the Record, I'm not going to lie. I felt like crap upon hearing this news. And the feeling didn't leave me for a little while. It was almost like I was mourning the daughter that I had hoped for deep down.

Now, having had a couple months for this to sink in, I realize that having another boy will be special in many ways that having a girl wouldn't. In particular, I am happy that Little Guy will have a partner in crime - for life - who will be close to him in age, who can share the sandbox as a toddler, share his secrets as a grade-schooler, and hopefully have a close relationship as an adult. I look forward to helping them foster this friendship. Since I never had a sister, I always thought that having a sibiling of the same sex would have been wonderful.

So I am happy that I'm having a boy. I really am. I can't wait to see how these two little boys play and grow together.

But I still do want to have a daughter someday. I might even have to try one more time to see what happens. And if it's a boy again, I'll probably fight back tears again and then realize again that I'm a lucky lady to have all these wonderful men in my life. And I'll move on. And hell, maybe I'll even start a baseball team.



Blogger Shortie said...

Well my dear if it makes you feel better I freaked out when I heard I was having a girl which happened to be at the birth LOL.... it scared me to DEATH. I actually knew in my gut it was a girl but didn't tell anyone I thought so because teh very idea scared me. Now, I can't imagine it any other way. And I believe for you too you'll just see your boys playing a year or so from now and be like... wow... it was meant to be. But it's still a shock to whatever the expectation was/is.

We're here. Those who judge can suck it.

Shortie :)

3:49 PM  
Blogger Mary-LUE said...

I know how you feel. I wanted a boy so badly the first time around. I can't explain why even. When I was delivering him, someone said, I can see his hair. Well, we didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, they just said "he." I shouted out, "It's a boy!" Fortunately it turned out he was a he. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to tell a little girl my first words as she was being born?

With my daughter, we found out so we could prepare our son, almost 8, who was really counting on a brother. I have to say that I had misgivings about having a girl. I didn't want pink and purple everything and Barbie this and My Little Pony that. Which I do, by the way. Pink and purple walls, a bin full of Barbies and My Little Ponies. But, as people always say, I can't imagine life without my girl. Of course, she makes up for all that pink and purple with some stereotypically boyish characteristics: dirty, loud, can't sit still, likes gross things.

I'm glad you shared your response to the ultrasound. It is such a completely normal response. Congratulations!

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

I can understand. I really wanted a boy, and my gut insisted that I was carrying a boy from day 1, so if my son would have come out a girl, I would have been hugely disappointed...but that's strictly off the record.

4:30 PM  
Anonymous sam said...

I remember when we found out the sex of our baby I was in tears I wanted a girls so bad. I was (for lack of a better word) devastated. I couldn't even enjoy how happy my husband was because I was wanting a girl so bad.

Now that he's here and seeing him grow into such a remarkable little boy, I wouldn't have it any other way, but I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from!

5:08 PM  
Blogger steph! said...

Shortie pretty summed up my feelings with "Those who judge can suck it."

The thing is you're ALLOWED to feel how you feel. Being a mom doesn't make you an all accepting saint, or perfect, or - wait - I'm preaching to someone who named their blog Mommy off the Record here. You already know this.

So let yourself mourn the fact that right now you're not having a daughter. You're allowed to do that.

Then welcome to my world and the insanity of having two boys. They really will be incredibly close to one another and you will love watching that interaction (except for when you're physically stopping them from beating each other up...)

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

When we found out P was going to be a boy, I was a bit deflated. Like you, I always wanted a sister (a REAL one, not step) and I so wanted that for my daughter, too. And I also felt like I'd never be able to relate to a boy.

But once he was here, I fell head over heels in love with him and the affair is still going strong two years later. Now you'll have all that love that boys have for their moms times two!

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I found out I was having a girl, I fought back tears. I wanted a boy in the worst way. I know. Terrible right?

But I got used to the fact that she would be my bud.

Now she's here and I can't imagine anyone different. She's mine and she could be no other.

Your oldest boy and your baby boy are very lucky to have each other. And they are even luckier to have you for a mamma!!!


'Judgers' can bite it really!

6:27 PM  
Blogger dcrmom said...

How you're feeling is TOTALLY normal. I'm sure you'll love having a baseball team, but it's natural to want a girl. Maybe you'll get up the guts to try for #3. In 10 years or so. ;-)

6:38 PM  
Blogger bubandpie said...

I felt that way after my ultrasound with Bub. I really wanted a girl, and I especially wanted my first child to be a girl (a kind of mini-me, since I'm the oldest in my family).

That's exactly why I'm in favour of finding out the sex ahead of time - far better to deal with those emotions ahead of time, rather than when you're submerged in all those wonderful postpartum hormones.

7:04 PM  
Blogger feener said...

I really enjoyed this post b/c it was so honest. We find out the sex with our first child and it was a girl, i have 2 sisters, and my one sis has 2 girls and my other sis had just had her girl. GIRL power ! With our second pregnancy we did not find out the sex, we wanted to experience both the surprise before and the surprise at birth. We had another girl, at this point I didn't have time to be too upset as I was handed my second baby girl as soon as i found out...and i felt blessed. I know i felt so strongly about wanting a boy but once i had our girl i knew it was meant to be. you will be blessed with 2 wonderful boys and who knows what might be in store later. oh and ps, i went to my HS reunion while prego and EVERY person said oh that is a boy in there, cept for 1 woman !!!

7:08 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Feelings are feelings, and you can't (or shouldn't) ever be flamed for them. For convenience purposes, we were hoping KayTar was a boy, and at the ultrasound when the tech told us she was a girl, Josh replied in the following way:

OMG! She can't wear BubTar's clothes. That will be expensive.

OMG! She's going to have a period...we're going to have to buy all that crap, too.


So, I mean, relatively speaking, you handled your news MUCH better than he did. *lol*

Congrats on your Littler Guy.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Watching my 2 little boys together is fabulous. You'll love it. I promise. Plus, you know you'll love him instantly anyway.

I was sad the first time I heard I was having a boy. The second time I was actually excited to be having a boy. That being said, we're now debating whether to have another. And I know the secret reason for that ... is to possibly maybe hopefully have a girl. Of course, now that I've written that I will have a third boy. But that will make me smile too.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

I had a little disappointment when I found I was having another girl, only because I'd never know what it's like to raise a boy as well. But it quickly passed, and I'm thrilled to have two girls.

As for trying again - I have a coworker who had two boys and she and her husband decided to try one more time for a girl. They got triplet boys! So now she has 5 boys and loves being a mom of boys.

8:31 PM  
Anonymous Karly said...

I am sure that what you are feeling is normal! At least I hope it is, because I was the same way. I had my boy, I knew that we were only having two kids and I NEEDED a girl. However, I DID get a girl, but I don't even want to think of how upset I would have been had she been a boy. My husband and I would probably be divorced now because I'd constantly be begging to try one more time and he'd be saying HELL NO WOMAN! ;)

8:47 PM  
Anonymous lildb said...

I love you, C. You're such an amazing woman. Thank you for being a straight shooter.


8:51 PM  
Anonymous chelle said...

I cried hard core when we found out our first was a girl. I was crushed! But now I have a girl and a boy and happy to be done :)

What will be will be.

9:12 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

I don't think it's anyone's business to judge your feelings.
They may resent your feelings for any number of reasons, and I feel for those individuals, but if there is resentment from some quarters, then it is the right and decent thing to do to keep those feelings behind their teeth.
How you feel about the gender of your child is your own business. And there's nothing wrong with feeling disappointed about it, either. We all know that you will love your new son very deeply, and that his gender won't matter to you once he's here charming you.
As a mother to two daughters, who secretly hoped for a son both times, I get this.
And I may be a little defensive about it. Heh.

11:43 PM  
Blogger Pumpkin said...

You. Are. A. Human. Being!
You are allowed to hope and dream and feel the way you feel (as has been said in all previous comments about this post!).
Being honest about what you wanted and how you felt when that didn't happen is a helluva lot healthier than not acknowledging it hun...and incidentally, just incase you didn't know....what you wanted and the way you felt do NOT make you a bad, insensitive, or whatever other names are running through your head, person...just a normal one.
You can't be judged for being human and as 'Shortie' brilliantly puts it
"Those who judge can suck it!"

Hugs sweetie.

1:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bravo to you. I wanted a boy with my second pregnancy. Spouses brother had died recently and we knew if we didn't have a boy that was the end of the family name, a bit of pressure! I did not find out what I was having since I like surprises, although I did want a boy, I never had a sister growing up so it's neat to see my girls have each other. I justed wanted to say I completely understand the desire for the 'other' sex :)

4:31 AM  
Blogger Bon said...

congrats on your new little boy. :)

having had two boys myself, and having imagined and wanted a little girl since my own girlhood, i know what you're talking about. i've come to realize that, for me, the disappointment is about grieving the daughter i may never have, not in any way rejecting the son i love so dearly.

parenting and sibling relationships are impacted and shaped by the gender of our kids, and we DO have preferences. like so many have said, that's human.


5:24 AM  
Blogger Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

I think Bon got it right on the's a grief and disappointment for your dream of mothering a daughter, not about not loving and being happy about mothering another son.

I remember very well those feelings of grief and disappointment when I found out my twins were both boys. I managed to work past them in my head really quickly and made peace with the idea of twin boys, but when I was pregnant last summer, I really did hope for a daughter. And, I still do hope for one now.

6:43 AM  
Blogger Nadine said...

I just found your blog through Blogger's Choice Awards. I LOVE your honesty!

7:26 AM  
Anonymous andi said...

Well said. My husband is one of three boys and the stories about his childhood scared the crap out of me. So, I was really hoping that #1 would be a girl and then I wouldn't care so much about the gender of #2. It worked out well for me as now I have one of each and I think I'm done (the prospect of having the children outnumber us also scares me), but like you, I might have considered a third if I'd had 2 boys.

Anyway, congrats on having another son. I'm sure the boys will be little buddies. And they're lucky to have such a great mama.

7:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, if anyone gets their panties in a bunch over this post, they can just "suck it" like shortie said! It's your feelings, and I think it's ok for you to express them. I really wanted a boy with my first, got a girl...was ok with it. I really REALLY wanted a boy with the second and got another girl...I was again fine with it, no tears, no probs. Hub on the other hand was ticked and didn't speak for a couple of days. By the time she was born he was fine, and of course fell instantly in love with her. Now we're on the 3rd, and we've decided to be surprised. If we have another girl, no big deal. (except or the raging hormones in the future..YIKES!) I would be VERY happy if it is a boy, but I know how wonderful little girls are too. I guess you always want what you don't have.

7:53 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

Don't you dare feel shitty about your reaction. Anyone who makes you feel that way should be flogged.

7:53 AM  
Blogger LaShawn said...

It takes a great deal of honesty to admit being dissapointed. I have three boys and am pregnant with my fourth. I have said all along that four boys would be fine...but as I get closer to finding out the sex I find myself looking at the girls clothes in the store a little more often. My boys have been a huge blessing and in the end having a healthy baby is all that matters. But that doesn't stop us from dreaming.

7:56 AM  
Anonymous Smiling Mom said...

I did not react well when we found out that baby #2 was a girl. I wanted two boys so badly because girls really scare me. It took months to come to grips with the 'girl' thing. And then it took a bit of time to bond once she was born. But now, over a year later, I am thrilled to have a daughter. Who knew?! :-)

8:16 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Oh, C, I totally felt the same way. And in the months after boy#2 was born (like 5-6 months afterwards), I was obsessed w/ getting prego again. Even though DH said he was done having kids, I bought a book on how to conceive a certain gender. Just so I could tuck it away and read it later. I also spent lots of time convincing myself that I was happy to have 2 boys.

Now that my baby boy is 15 mos., I really can't imagine it any other way. I am sure if i accidentally got prego and had a girl, I would be happy, but really, I am pretty happy right now. I can't imagine it any other way. I constantly think about how perfect they both are, and their genders are part of what makes them who they are. They are perfect in spite of -- or because of -- their boyish natures.

I also agree that uttering those words of disappointment is daring, and you never know who will criticize. But they are still valid feelings, whether or not you utter them. And doesn't it feel better to express yourself truthfully?

Good post. It was right on, and thanks for being honest.


12:20 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Girls are gold in our family because they don't seem to come around as often. I adore all my boys, but I don't mind admitting being hugely relieved and happy to have the one girl.

That said, any negatives over having another boy will evaporate once he appears. Nothing beats those stubby, grubby little boy hands, custom made for hugging their mamas.

One idea would be to go the Eva Las Vegas route and adopt a gorgeous girl after your two boys.

7:10 PM  
Anonymous Csara said...

Just found your blog and that was an awesome post! It was the first one I've read, but I will definitely be back for more. Your feelings are totally valid and it's OK. Congratulations on boy #2. I'm sure everything will be great.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Mama's Moon said...

Oh heck! You're not alone! Truly! I know the pc answer is the "as long as it's healthy and yada-yada-yada" but we all (each and every mom of us!)have wished for one or the other. During the sonogram of my second I was hoping for another boy just so my first would have, as you put it, a partner in crime for life. There was a period when I had to come to grips with both the unexpected news of it and realizing the positives of it. In the end I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's something that's completely normal. And if anybody else says otherwise they would be lying to themselves!

8:42 PM  
Blogger ffbgirl said...

Thank you for writing that. This is my first, but I am honestly hoping for a girl. I know that isn't "right" or P.C. or whatever, but it is the truth. Now what I am asking is if you have any tips on preparing myself for the possibility (you know, that whole 50% chance) of a boy... I know healthy is all that matters, and that there are benefits to both. Doesn't every woman really want a girl deep down inside?? I really just appreciate that you would say you wanted one way or another out loud. That means I can say it out loud--at least on my blog or yours!

9:10 PM  
Blogger ffbgirl said...

OK, after reading the other comments I learn that yes, some women really do wish for a boy--haha. Shows my ignorance, I guess. Anyways, KUDOS to you for such a fabulous post! Thank you again!

9:19 PM  
Blogger Damselfly said...

Of course, anyone could see that you'd be interested in having a girl after you've already got a boy. I don't think anyone would judge you. Especially because you know after all that you are going to love that baby no matter what the sex is!

6:58 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

This was me, exactly 8 years ago. But I can honestly say, watching my boys together (and now with their sister - see, miracles can happen!) has been the biggest blessing. They are buds, and despite their normal sibling stuff (which drives every mom crazy), they are incredibly lucky to have each other - as I am to have them.

You will fall in love with that baby in no time, if you haven't already.

And you never know, if you aren't done having kids after he is born (give it some time), you may eventually get your girl!

I loved this.


3:05 PM  
Blogger Alex Elliot said...

I felt the same way when I found out that we were having another boy. By the time I gave birth to him I was thrilled to be having a second boy. However, my minster did tell me that at certain milestones like prom, when my friend's daughters are getting married, etc. that I probably will feel a little sad and that I should just go with it and not try to deny it. Congratulations!

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I didn't find out the sex of either kid ahead of time, and I secretly wanted a boy with the first -- so I was shocked to have a girl. However, once I had one girl, I was pleased to get a second one -- there's something to be said for knowing what to expect when you have two kids of the same gender. (Of course then you're not as prepared when their personalities are very, very different...) ;-)

5:10 PM  

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