Sunday, September 09, 2007

Of Bad Men and Roller Coasters

Severed body parts

A roller coaster ride that goes out of control

Men trying to get into my house to kill my family

These are the types of dreams I've been having lately. WTF is going on? I never had weird dreams while I was pregnant and now all of a sudden I'm practically afraid to go to bed at night.

I have psychoanalyzed myself and I think that I am having these dreams because I am afraid (duh).

Specifically, I am afraid for my children. I am afraid of loving them so much and yet not really ever being able to ensure their safety in this world. I am irrationally afraid of losing them somehow.

I double check all the window locks before we go to bed. I triple check their seat belts before I drive them anywhere. I obsess about cancer-causing shampoos and toxic sippy cups.

I worry even when I don't think I'm worrying. And it's just gotten worse since the new baby was born.

I want to make sure they will be safe. Always. Yet, I know that I don't have full control over their safety. And this is what scares me. It scares me as much as severed body parts and bad men and faulty roller coasters.

I wish I could go back to that cozy state of denial where I believe that nothing bad can ever happen. How do I get back there?


Blogger Pumpkin said...

Hunny, you are a loving, caring wouldn't be you if you didn't care! After Gozar was born I would lie awake at night convinced that if I went to sleep for 'just a moment' he'd stop breathing......made for an 'excrutiating' first 7 months! It's just takes a little time to relax again, but dinnae worry, you'll get there and until then, just know that your kiddies are SO much luckier than those who's parents don't give a damn!!!

1:49 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

After KayTar was born, I went through the same thing. It wasn't just typical worry, it was really kind of controlling. I'd lay in bed and think of rechecking BubTar and then when I decided I was too tired I'd think, "What if he's gone and I'm too lazy to even go check?" and I'd check him. And the doors. And the windows. And KayTar. And him again. Ect. It passed, but it was intense for a while. I can't remember how long. I had to stop watching all manner of crime dramas or anything remotely related. But it was no fun.

5:42 AM  
Blogger Mamacita Tina said...

Sorry to say, there's no going back. Our mommy minds just keep racing with worry. It's exhausting to say the least. I can usually ease it when I focus on the moment and play with my kids, delight in their laughter. But the minute I hear a sneeze, it starts in again.

6:11 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

Sad to say, I do the same thing. I think it only gets worse with time. I am always checking locks, and having weird thoughts in my head about someone kidnapping one of my girls. Mommy anxiety is hard to get rid of. Hopefully some of it will get easier as the second baby gets a little older, and if not, it may be time for medication for me.

At the same time, better to worry and make sure everything is OK than neglect your kids, right?

7:14 AM  
Anonymous my minivan is faster than yours said...

I go through periods where I'll have awful anxiety dreams about the kids. They ebb and flow, but while they're going on I'm concerned all day about the thoughts that consumed me all night.

Sorry. I hope they pass soon.

7:19 AM  
Blogger dawn224 said...

Like how I have a pocket knife on my waistband now - just in case I'm driving over a bridge that collapses and I need to cut the straps of the car seat?

Sucks. I hate it.

10:30 AM  
Anonymous pinks & Blues Girls said...

I think the only way to not worry is to stop loving, and I don't think that's the answer at all! We are totally bombared with frightening news, stories, and other general craziness at all times, so anyone with half a brain is going to worry about it all (at least, that's what I tell myself to keep myself from going insane).

I'm sure the bad dreams will pass. The worry will still be there, of course, but it's so normal (again, that's what I tell myself, and it works most of the time)!

Jane, P&B Girls

11:39 AM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

I had those dreams too after both kids were born. I've had a recurring dream where we're in a car accident & knocked off a bridge & I have to try to get both kids out of their car seats & swim to safety. Oy. It got better, but my mind still goes there.

2:34 PM  
Blogger *~*Cece*~* said...

You sound like a normal Mom to me! {{hugs}}

2:44 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Trust me that it is your hormones. I had insomnia because I couldn't get a Nair commercial song out of my head. I told my husband on several occasions that I thought I was literally going insane. To my shock and amazement I have talked to other post-partum moms that have experienced almost exactly the same thing.

Hormones suck sometimes. Hang in there.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Pattie said...

I have reoccurring dreams about having a fire in the house or my car crashing into deep water and how do I save them all?

I look at it as wanting to protect them so much, as you have stated, and unconsciously feeling overwhelmed about what a huge responsibility it is to raise children. It personally has come in waves for me, usually more so if I am stressed about something or there are major changes in my life.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Virtualsprite said...

I'm so glad I'm not alone! I have awful dreams, just awful. They are worse when I'm stressed, but really bad when I've got PMS. Must be hormones.

BTW... it's been a while and I never properly congratulated you on the new little one!

7:45 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

It sounds like you have a normal dose of the new (again) mommy jitters. I am pretty sure those horrible nightmares and fears are how we keep our babies alive. I am so sorry you feel this way.

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Ugh. Sorry to hear you are going through this.

I cannot, CANNOT read news stories involving anything remotely bad happening to children (or animals). Otherwise I obsess for hours about how I should quit my job and lock myself in the house for days with the kids.

I do think the bad dreams are partially related to the hormonal adjustments that are happening to you now. I had the same thing happen after Rosie was born, and the dreams eventually lose their frequency and intensity.

Unfortunately, the worrying doesn't stop (or hasn't for me) -- but I just avoid bad news as much as possible and it keeps the obsessiveness at bay.

6:30 AM  

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