You're Still Here?

I am still amazed that you are reading my blog. Why are you here? You shouldn't be coming. I have been a bad blogger and haven't been visiting or leaving comments for weeks. I feel very guilty about this. I want to say more about it, but I'm too tired. And I have to go to bed. Even though it's only 8:15.

So, can someone tell me how people blog while they're pregnant, or right after they've had a baby for that matter? I seriously can't understand how people can summon the energy. I feel like a wimp because I know others do it and I can't. Is there a secret? If so, can someone let me in on it?

Off topic: when one transfers their blog over to blogger beta or whatever it's called now, does your blog have to be reinstated to bloglines? Cuz I transfered over (finally) because blogger wouldn't let me post without transfering and now I see that I have 0 subscribers. Has everyone dropped me or is this some weird blogger glitch? (I wouldn't be offended if you just dropped me.)

Anyhoo, I wanted to post something really special for my 30th birthday. Something monumental about how I'm feeling at this time in my life, entering a new decade and all, but then I realized it's 8:21 and all I can say is that I'm tired. And I must. go. to. bed. And I'm sorry for not coming by to say "hello" and find out what you've been up to. I want to and I can't and I'm sorry.

Now that I've Covered Penises, Let's Talk about Balls

You know, just when I couldn't think of what to get the Hubby for Valentine's Day that he didn't already have...I come across the perfect gift.

The Ball Scratcher for Executive Gentlemen

From the website: "The Executive Ball Scratcher is every gentleman's executive dream. Ball Scratcher's do the one job that the executive gentleman has to do himself: Scratch their balls!"

Cuz scratching yourself with a creepy silver-plated hand thingy is so much more refined that scratching yourself with your own hand.

The Executive Ball Scratcher for Gentlemen has become one of our most surprising bestsellers and we've NEVER had anyone wanting to return one!

You have a return policy on these things? Ew.

The Gentleman's Ball Scratcher is perfect for birthdays, christmas, father's day, valentines day or just because!

Uh, hold up. Did they say Father's Day? Cuz nothing says "I love you, Dad" like an executive ball scratcher, right? WTF?

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Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day, all. May you have found better presents for your loved ones than this.

I got nothin' against your penis, but...

I’ve been thinking that we might want to stop at 2. Two kids that is. I don’t know if I want to go through pregnancy again. Yeah, I’m a lightweight. Whatever.

Yesterday I puked up some blood. Nothing serious. I guess that’s what happens when you’re puking all the time.

But, but, but….[insert whiny voice here]

I just don’t want to go through this morning sickness thing again. Evah! I mean, I puked up BLOOD. Gah!

And I know I don’t have it as bad as many others have had it. I’m reasonably sure I’ll feel better by 20 weeks like with Little Guy. But still. I really, really think that two kids are enough for me.

Anyway. I’m sure you’ve heard enough about my vomititis issues already.

Moving on.

The actual point of this post is this: I’ve been obsessively thinking about birth control lately. As in, what kind of birth control should we get on after the baby comes because I really, really don’t want to take any chances.

After looking into all my options, I’ve narrowed it down to one:

Vasectomy

OK, maybe not immediately. Perhaps we can use condoms for a while. But eventually, I want him to get one. It’s the least he could do, right?

We’ve talked about it several times and he’s made his opinion known. I think his responses have included something to the effect of:

“whatever”

“no way in hell”

“you wish”

Nevertheless, I’ve continued to insist it’s our best option. So today he e-mails me at work with a link to this article.

Research links vasectomy with higher dementia risk

And his e-mail says: “There goes your idea! Ha!”

As if a little dementia is going to stop me from signing him up for a snip snip. Puhleeease.

He's going to have to do better than that. I mean, the mind’s gonna go eventually anyway, right? Right?

ROFL Awards - January

Edited to add: I've added three new awardees since the original post. They're at the top of the list.



Yay! It's time for the ROFL Awards. And just in time too...this blog is in desperate need of some humor! Congrats to all the awardees.

(If you're not sure where to start, I have starred (**) my favorite posts from the list below. Enjoy!)

i obsess awarded The Eleventh

Life, the Universe and Everything awarded All Rileyed Up

IzzyMom awarded Mama Tulip

Momish awarded Jenny of Mama Drama

Red Stapler awarded Little Bald Doctors

Polliwog (launching soon) awarded Bobbarama**

Sebastian awarded my reality my check my bounce

Dirty Birdie awarded Everybody Can Just Bite My Ass **

the avery lane experience and Jennyhaha awarded Oh the Joys

Jenny from Mama Drama awarded Dirty Uncle Mark

The Silent I awarded Mr. Nice Guy**

Just Thinking awarded the true story of what was

Mrs. CPA awarded Jason. For the Love of God.

Scribbit awarded Midwestern Mommy**

Oh the Joys awarded Hello Insomnia

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Toliet water splashes up into my face.
God. I have to work on my technique.
Note to self: barfing closer to the bowl causes less splashing. Yes, that’s it. Don’t forget.

I have become familiar with this position.
Two arms lying across the edges of the toilet seat, head down in the bowl.
Sometimes I welcome it. Barfing brings 20 minutes of relief. Guaranteed.

It’s 8:00am. And my third trip to the toilet so far. It will be a long day.
Little thoughts creep into my head.

I’ll never do this again.
Two is the perfect number.
Adoption is always an option.

For a moment, I forget why this is what I want.
I am ashamed to be so unhappy.
I should not be unhappy.
I am happy, damnit.

Bleh.

I wipe my mouth with toliet paper and rest my head on the toilet seat.

From down the hallway I hear footsteps. Little pitter-patters coming closer.
He always comes when I get sick.

I don't look up, but I feel him there. His little baby hand reaches across my back and circles my neck. He puts his curly head on my shoulder and embraces me.

“Mama”, I hear him say.

Yes. Now I remember why.

I am happy.

Somebody, Stop the Insanity

"[T]he U.S. is one of only five countries out of 173 in the survey that does not guarantee some form of paid maternity leave; the others are Lesotho, Liberia, Swaziland and Papua New Guinea."
In light of this shocking statistic, something must be done, right?

I know! Let's consider scaling back our already way-too-generous unpaid (gag) family leave benefits.

WTF? Are some lawmakers actually considering this? Apparently.

The Family and Medical Leave Act is being opened up for public comment and anything can happen - they could expand or reduce our benefits. We can help our lawmakers make changes to improve this law by voicing our opinions on what families need - more time home with our newborns not less. Go to the U.S. Department of Labor's Website to leave a comment or go to MomRising.org to share your opinion.

Thanks to Christina for raising this issue earlier this month. She wrote a post on this topic that was actually intelligent (as opposed to the drivel you are reading here). I encourage you to read her post if you haven't already.

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p.s. I've tried to keep my sidebar buttons to a minimum but I had to add this one. Girl's Gone Child linked to it earlier this week. To find out more about the button and the force behind it, go to anothermother.org



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Also, if you'd like to nominate a fellow blogger for a ROFL Award for a post they wrote in January, please e-mail me by February 5th.