Meltdowns and Merry Christmases

Have you ever seen a grown woman cry?

Yes? Well, of course you have.

How about a grown woman blogger? Have you ever seen a grown woman blogger cry while composing a blog post? It is a very sad sight indeed.

But when you've spent over an hour writing a post and you are very close to hitting publish when you somehow DELETE the entire post accidentally. And you can't find an "undo" button to get the post back and you frantically look to Blogger Help for a shortcut key for the "undo" button and then you find one (eureka!) only to try it and find out it doesn't work and you realize that your entire post is lost forever - the post you slaved over for way too long, tweaking every word and every picture to perfection.

Well, when something like this happens, it's OK to cry right? Plus, you might just be a bit hormonal...

I hope it's OK, because last night I shed a little tear, in frustration, over my stupid lost blog post. And this, dear friends, is a sign that it's time for me to take a little break from posting. Plus, it's the holidays and it's slow around the blogosphere anyway. I'll be back to posting after the New Year and, in the meantime, I am going to try to visit and comment a bit more - something I haven't had much time for in the last week or so.

So, with that, I'll leave you all with a special holiday greeting from someone we all know and love. Because when I'm feeling a little blue, there's nothing like a picture of David Hasslehoff in his undies that really turns that frown upside down, kwim?



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May you and your families all have a wonderful holiday season and a very Happy New Year!

Toddler Lunaticitis: Tales from the Darkside (Tale #1 in a Series)

Like many of you, I love to read. Love. to. read. I majored in English so I could read for fun during college. I like to hang out in the libary. If I had to choose between reading and having sex, I'd probably choose reading half the time. (No offense to Husband. It's me. Not you.) I know that most, if not all, of you can relate to this love of literature because bloggers are writers and writers are book lovers.

So, given my love of reading, I was not surprised to see Little Guy sprouting his own love for the written word at a fairly young age. As soon as he could lift his little head off the ground, I would find him half-crawling, half-dragging himself across the floor to open a book and turn the pages.




In fact, he was so fond of books that he would even try to ingest them from time to time.









But as time wore on, I noticed that Little Guy was slowly giving up his interest in eating reading books.

I became worried. Would he not be the lover of literature that I assumed he would be? My future plans for tucking Little Guy into bed each night after reading him a chapter from The Hobbit or The Chronicles of Narnia suddenly appeared to be in jeapordy.

Time passed. His first birthday came and went and no sign of any literary interest. How could this be happening? I really became concerned. But it appeared that nothing I did made any difference.

And then it happened. One day, almost overnight, he went from no interest in reading whatsover to becoming completely and totally obessed.

I like to call it Book Obsessed Toddler Lunaticitis. Apparently, any toddler can catch it. At any time. And he had it. Bad.

All of a sudden, all he wanted to do was read books. His thirst was unquenchable. And if I didn't read to him immediately, there would be consequences. Oh, would there be consequences!

It would go down the same way every time.


First, the approach (innocent enough). He would bring me a book. His favorite book. The book we had read 25 times that same day.








Trying not to show my terror, I would realize I was trapped. Again. And if I tried to do anything but head directly for the couch to read that book, he would follow me everywhere, book in hand, red-faced and screaming, as if I had abandoned him, forsaken him - as if, if I didn't read him that book RIGHT THAT VERY SECOND AND NOT A SECOND LATER he would die right there on the spot.





Oh, the horror.












The horror!









In desperation, he would fling himself down upon his book, sobs racking his wee little body.









It was an awful sight to behold. I have nightmares about it to this very day.







Soon, I found myself praying every night for him to stop. Just for the love all things good and pure, STOP with the books already. I was getting to my wits end. I would fantasize about digging a great big hole in the backyard and burying all the books back there. These were horrible, horrible thoughts that I couldn't believe I was thinking. And yet I was. It was getting that bad.

And then, as quickly as it started, it stopped.

Only about three months after book demons took over my son, they left him. And as much as I love reading, I am so friggin relieved that he's been exorcized from this affliction that I'm practically throwing myself a celebration party.

Now, like I said, I love books as much as the next blogger. But if my son ever, EVER goes through a phase like this again, I think I'll kill myself.

The End.

Thinking Positive

Question: How do you know when something really GREAT is about to happen to you?

Answer: When you come home from work to find out that your cat has been shitting and pissing in the corner of your cedar-lined closet. On top of your dry-clean only bag of dirty clothes. For what looks like a good three days.

Why is this a good thing? Because I just know that all my karma debts have been cashed out on this one. And then some. So I figure something really GREAT is gonna happen to me to make up for this, right?

I say it's time to buy a lottery ticket.

(And a litter box.)

The culprit. He looks innocent enough.

MotR's Tips on What Not to Buy

It's definitely time to give some money to charity if you've considered buying any of the following:


Silky Pink Highchair Cover
Cuter than a Duck's Butt, $92


I refuse to buy a highchair cover that is fancier than my underwear. Period.



The Stadium Bundt Pan
Williams and Sonoma, $32

Because when you already have the Sandcastle Bundt Pan and the Cathedral Bundt Pan, there's really just one more pan that will make your collection complete.



Mini Straw Bales and Small Mice, Set of Three
Pottery Barn, Regular $19.99 mice, $14.00 straw bales

I think "what the fuck" really covers it all on this one. I mean, could Pottery Barn come up with anything stupider than this?

Oh wait....

They did!

Introducing...



Spooky Manzanita Branch and Faux Barn Owl
Pottery Barn, Regular $40.00


I think that Pottery Barn owes everyone an apology for assuming that we would ever shell out 40 bucks for this. I mean, really, am I the only one who's insulted here? Sheesh.

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Congrats again to everyone who won a ROFL Award this month. I will be visiting the winning posts in the next two days to enjoy some laughs. If you have a post you'd like to award for December, e-mail me a link to the post and a link to your blog by January 8th.

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Question: What's up with Beta Blogger? I've been trying to leave comments on a couple blogs that use Beta and it won't let me. It's driving me nutso. Help! Anyone?

ROFL Awards - November

Izzy and I would like to congratulate all the winners of November's ROFL Awards! By keeping us chuckling you are adding years to our lives - so thank you!

Mommy off the Record awarded Steven Novak

Everything this man writes is funny. This happens to be one of many funny things he posted in November. But how can reminiscing about lip syncing during a 6th grade talent show wearing a "tight, almost leotard-esque half shirt" not be funny? It's funny, people. I guarantee you.

Jack's Raging Mommy awarded The Sarcastic Journalist

The Silent I awarded Metro Dad

Izzy Mom and The Journey awarded Joy Unexpected

Oh the Joys awarded Chucheria

Halushki awarded Almost Quintessence

Red Stapler awarded Jonniker

Crankmama awarded One Weird Mother

Girl Plus Two awarded Oh the Joys

Island Life awarded Gone to Plaid

Girl Con Queso awarded Jenny from Mama Drama

Scribbit awarded Days to Come

Eva Las Vegas awarded Susie Sunshine

Much More than a Mom awarded A Simple Country Girl's Dream

Momish awarded Jenny from Mama Drama

Radioactive Girl awarded Mothergoosemouse

The Spirit of Giving

Right after Thanksgiving I start to get this really excited feeling - a feeling of happy anticipation for the holidays. I look forward to getting together with family, decorating the house, getting a Christmas tree, driving around town and seeing all of the Christmas lights. I love all of it.

But more and more, my excitement is mixed with anxiousness. There seems to be very little time to get everything done before Christmas and the list is long. I have to think of the perfect present for everyone in my family. I have to shop for the presents and wrap the presents. I have to put up the Christmas tree. I have to put up the Christmas lights. I have to bake cookies for all of my neighbors. I have to buy special little gifts for each of my co-workers. I have to take the perfect photo of Little Guy for our Christmas cards. I have to order the cards and mail the cards. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Only I don't have to do any of it. I just feel like I do. Why?

I'm not going to try to answer that question in this post (although it is a question worth pursuing - just not now because, to be frank, Little Guy just went down for his nap and General Hospital is on and, well, watching General Hospital (while eating chocolate cookies) is my favorite thing to do so I must go watch NOW....). But just really quick, in the name of trying to focus less on the materialism of the holidays and more on the spirit of the holidays, I wanted to take a breather from all of this hubabaloo and make a few recommendations for websites/posts you might want to check out if you're interested in donating to a cause during the holidays this year.

Her Bad Auction: This is an ingenious idea that several of my favorite bloggers came up with to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy Research in honor of Her Bad Mother and her nephew Tanner, who is battling this disease. There are tons of fabulous items that are being raffled off. You can buy tickets on the site. This is your chance to win cool stuff while donating to charity. How awesome!

The Really Useful Gift Catalog: The Adventist Development and Relief Organization's Really Useful Gift Catalog is my favorite resource for Christmas gifts. This website is set up just like Amazon.com in that you add "items" to your basket, but instead of adding books and CDs, you can add things like 10 sanitary napkins for a mother in India who just delivered a baby ($1.00) or a set of flip flops to protect the feet of a child ($2.00) or a loving nurse for a baby at an orphanage in Russia for one month ($4.00). You will be amazed by how little it costs to make a difference in someone's life and how easy it can be. You can also donate in someone's name. I love this!

Sunshine Scribe's Gift Ideas: Sunshine Scribe has a new column about at Mama Blogs Toronto. Her recent article had some great tips on including causes in your holiday giving and engaging children in meaningful holiday activities that give back to the community.

And here are two quick and easy actions, which will take less than a minute each:

The Hunger Site: Jenny at Mama Drama mentioned this on her blog so most of you have already probably heard of this, but I think it bears another mention here on my list. Go to this site, click on the yellow button and they will donate one cup of staple food to the hungry. You can click every day!

Doctors Without Borders: As I mentioned in my last post, you can generate $1.00 a day by clicking on the Find.com Advertisement running in my ad banner and searching for something "red" - like "red scarf". It takes less than a minute!

A Dream

Last night I had a dream that you were the Bachelor and I was one of the 25 women.

We were on a date. I was sitting on your lap on a bus. We were laughing and having a great time. We'd had a great time on all of our dates.

Then it was the last day. The day you would have to make a decision. It was me or her. You would have to choose.

The other girl was cute and hot and skinny. She and I were running around the house looking for clothes to wear. The clothes that would help make our last impression.

The hot girl was sticking herself into size 3 jeans. I was looking through my drawers for something to put on, but I couldn't find anything nice. I pulled a jean skirt out of the bottom drawer and tried to put it on. It was way too tight. I could barely get it over my hips. And it was acid wash. Weird.

As the other girl was strutting around the house looking great, I realized that I hadn’t taken a shower. I looked awful, and there was no time to pretty myself up.

But I wasn't nervous. Or scared.

I knew the outcome already. You were going to choose me.

And I felt so unbelievably happy.

(Filed under: Love; Husband; Too much reality TV)

Blog Advertising: Are We Selling Ourselves to the Devil?

Edited to add: If you don't have time to read this long, rambling post, just skip to the boldfaced sentence at the end. :)

A few weeks ago I decided to join the BlogHer Ad Network. I've read many posts debating the virtues of placing ads on blogs. Most of the debate that I've read in the mommy blogosphere happened around the time that BlogHer ads expanded beyond their test launch to accept more bloggers into the Network.

I didn't weigh in too heavily on the conversation at that point - mainly because I don't have a very strong opinion on the matter. To me, it's a completely personal choice as to whether you want to put ads on your blog or not. And putting ads on your blog or not putting ads on your blog is really not going to make any difference to me when it comes to whether or not I read your blog - unless your blog is so cluttered with ads that I can't read it easily.

That being said, I personally did not want to advertise on my blog for any product or company that I would be ethically opposed to buying products from. For example, I have never shopped at Wal-Mart, nor will I ever shop at Wal-Mart, because I do not believe the company is socially responsible. One of the things that I like about the BlogHer Ad Network is that it allows bloggers to opt out of running ad spots for companies or products they do not feel comfortable supporting. So, you will never see a Wal-Mart ad on my BlogHer Ad banner.

I guess my only reservation about placing ads on my blog is that I feel that I am contributing - if only in a small way - to promoting the consumer culture that I really do despise. I hate the fact that Christmas has been completely commercialized, for example. I hate the fact that the day after Thanksgiving people are in such a frenzy to go buy, buy, buy that they are trampling each other to get their hands on the new PlayStation. This kind of stuff makes me sick to my stomach. So, am I selling myself to the Devil? Some might say so.

And yet, I have ads on my blog. I do. And in the end, I felt OK with that. Mainly, I feel OK with it because I am not being forced to run ads for companies that I feel ethically opposed to, which helped make my decision easier. However, I still reserve the right to change my mind about my ads and take them off. I just feel OK with them right now and I truly don't feel I'll be going to Hell for it. :)

And let me say here, before I continue, that I am not trying to sell the Ad Network to you AT ALL. That is not the purpose of my post. So, why am I writing about this now? I'm getting there...I'm getting there...

I was happy to learn recently that the BlogHer Ad Network has begun running public service announcements for philanthropic organizations in our ad banners. In addition, we are now starting to see partnerships forming between sponsors of the Ad Network and the philanthropic organizations themselves.

So while you will never read me imploring you to go buy something advertised on my site, I will be posting now and then if there is a simple action that you can take with regards to supporting a charity that the BlogHer Ad Network is promoting.

And right now, TheFind is donating $1 per day to Doctors Without Borders each time you search for a "red" item in their search engine. The campaign is going to run until they get to a $10,000 donation for Doctors Without Borders. A $10,000 donation provides 10,000 people with vaccinations for meningitis or measles. Not a bad return for a couple clicks.

So what are you waiting for? Please go click on the Find.com advertisement running in my ad banner. Enter a search for red wine or something, and you'll be sending a dollar to Doctors Without Borders. You can do it once a day.

And hey, if I do end up in Hell for this, at least I'll be there with Doctors Without Borders and a whole bunch of mommybloggers. That's not bad company if you ask me!

Google Hits (Sex and Porn Edition)

What is this - a sex blog? I've been noticing over the last day or so that I am getting a fair share of hits from googlers searching for sexual terms. And I have no idea why. It's not like I ever talk about sex on this blog or anything. I mean, for God sakes - this is a mommy blog! Sex has no part on this blog. Pu-leease.

Anywoo, just in case you're wondering, here are a few of the ways people are finding my blog:

Barny*rd P*rn: You know you've arrived when people are finding your site by searching for these two words. And now, anyone googling these terms, will find me on page 1 of 270,000 pages. Woo-hoo! I want to send a special shout out to Mrs. Chicky, who used these words in her comment on this post . Thanks to you, I am gettin' a ton of hits from the animal lovers out there. Perhaps I should refer them over to your other site, hmmmmm?

Mommy Having Sex. OK, yes, I am a mommy. And yes, I do have sex (obviously). But I'm happy to say that I'm not the only one. When you google these words, my blog comes up right alongside Mommy has a Headache . We're in the top 10 of about 1.5 million sites on the search. Not bad. We must be having more sex than we thought.

Sexercise: Ok, I asked for this one.

Steamy Sex Sounds: Apparently, this post contained the words "steamy", "sex", and "sounds", though not in that particular order. And yet, my blog is still popping up in the search. (OK, I did say "steamy sex", but I didn't say "steamy sex sounds". That is totally different and a whole other level of nasty that I was not intending.)

Mommy Needs Sex: Tell me about it.

Goat Humping Goat Pictures: Yep, and they totally outclicked on the picture.

So, the moral of the story is that if you're looking for more blog hits, you should post a picture of animals getting it on.

P.S. If you found this site by searching for "animals getting it on," you are one sick perve.

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Reminder! If you'd like to award a post for November's ROFL Awards, e-mail me by December 11th with a link to the post and a link to your blog.

More Than You Wanted to Know? Probably.

It's a good thing memes don't come with due dates because if they did, I'd be headed for detention. Way back in early September (which in blogging time is like 5 years ago), I was tagged by this lovely lady for a meme. I planned to do it the very next day, but then a day turned into a week, and a week turned into a month and then, before I knew it, it was almost the end of the fricken year and I hadn't done it yet. So, sorry for taking so long, Carrie! I'm sure you've forgotten all about it, but I didn't. When I get tagged, I take it seriously and I will deliver! :)

I'm also throwing this one out for my good friend Andrea at Little Bald Doctors , who tagged me for a similar meme this week.

Here you go, ladies! Thanks for the tag!

Things You May Not Know About Me:

1. My mother was born here, which is the equivalent of the Napa valley, but in Italy.

2. I have very large tonsils. Some might call them throat testicles.

3. I am related to Joe DiMaggio.

4. My graduate degree is in Public Policy and Administration.

5. When I was little, I was really shy and didn't speak up very much, but I still distinctly remember telling my little four-year-old friends that only I could dance when I played my Tina the Ballerina record because my name was Tina and theirs wasn't.

Things I want to do before I die (in random order):

1. Travel to every continent at least once
2. Publish a novel or a short story
3. Feel like I contibuted to society in a positive way
4. Give my children everything they need to feel secure and independent
5. See my children's children

Things I cannot do:

1. Watch rape scenes in movies
2. Eat anything with chocolate in it (he he just kidding! Wanted to see if you were still awake.)
3. Lie
4. Identify songs with their artists. I am horrible at that.
5. Speak Spanish (though I want to learn)

Things I can do:

1. Play the piano
2. Speak pretty rusty Italian
3. Do a couple cool pencil tricks
4. Turn my eyelids inside out
5. That's it. It's a pretty short list.

Things that attracted me to my Husband:

1. His humor
2. His intelligence
3. How nice he was to me
4. The fact that he always wanted to hold hands

Things I say most often:

1. Can you please pick up your socks?
2. Do you think it's safe to eat this?
3. I'll have the hot fudge sundae, please.
4. Don't blame me. Blame my hormones.

Movies I love:

1. Clue
2. Ferris Bueler's Day Off
3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles
4. When Harry Met Sally

I'm tagging Red Rollerskate, Jenny, and Janet, and anyone else who'd like to do this one.

Reason #156 Why Husband Rocks

When asked what he wanted for his 30th birthday, he said the following:

"Don't worry about getting me anything. For my birthday, I'm taking you to Napa to stay in one of the historic bed and breakfasts. We're going to have a picnic lunch, spend the afternoon wine tasting, and then go out for a nice dinner. I've already made the reservations."

*swoon*

I think the awesomeness of this gesture speaks for itself.

Other items from my list of Top 500 Reasons Why Husband Rocks:

--He is a wonderful father to Little Guy, a hard worker, and a good role model.

--He is affectionate. He likes to cuddle.

--He supports me in all of my decisions, including the decision to stay home part-time with Little Guy.

--He cooks and cleans and shares all of the household chores equally.

--He never yells. Never. I am not exaggerating. And yet he puts up with me and my crazy tantrums.

--He chose to spend his birthday with me in Napa over letting his friends throw a wild bash for him this weekend.

So, Happy Birthday, babe. I'm so happy to have shared the last 10 years with you. Here's to many more.

Love,
Me

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To anyone considering a vacation to Napa, I highly recommend the McClelland-Priest Bed and Breakfast. It was quite fabulous. Our room was under $200 a night and included a private balcony, fireplace, and jacuzzi. And the room price included passes to a ton of wineries for complimentary tastings, an evening wine reception, and a scrumptious breakfast. If I didn't have a Little Guy waiting at home for me, I would have been truly sad to leave!

Infatuated

This feels wrong. I shouldn't have such strong feelings for you. It's just not right. Visiting you once a week isn't enough anymore. I find myself wanting to drop in more often, even when I know I shouldn't.

But I love you - I love everything about you. One could say that I'm addicted to you. But I can't help myself. I just get a wonderful feeling when I visit you. I get excited at the prospect. You bring so many good things into my life.

Lucky for my husband, you're a grocery store.

Yes, that's right, I'm in love with YOU Trader Joes. And here are my top 5 reasons why:

5. One of your friendly staff members thought that I was Little Guy's sister, rather than his mother. Some would be offended by this, but I was like, "Cool! He must think I'm like 19 or something!" I must have been looking gooood that day. Maybe it was my new sweatsuit?? Hmmmm.

4. You've begun selling a product called Sipping Chocolate - a "decadent chocolate elixir, not quite hot cocoa, hardly chocolate milk." No, this is a chocolate experience. And I live for new and exciting chocolate experiences. So, thank you.

3. When Little Guy demands to pull apart the bananas and throw them out of the cart, causing me to accidentaly run one over and splatter it all over the ground, your friendly staff rush over to clean it up and refuse to let me pay for it. Cuz they're nice like that.

2. You rarely, if ever, sell anything with Blue #1, Red #40, monosodium glutamate, or other toxic and probably deadly-when-consumed-in-small-quantities-over-an-entire-lifetime artifical colors and flavors. You rock.

1. And finally, and most importantly, you have magic balloons. That's right. Magic. Little Guy gets one every time he visits you and when we come home, he walks around the house with it for the longest time. He loves it. But I love it more. You know why? Because the other day, I accidentally realized that when Little Guy is holding his magic balloon, I can change his diaper without a scream, twist, or tantrum. He just looks up at the magic balloon in awe and allows me to change him. It's magic, I tell you. And I owe it all to you, TJs. xxoo